Dictum Ridiculum - December 2003

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Dictum Ridiculum: December 2003

Archived rants and raves from the main page of the Colin Campbell Network.

Thursday, December 25, 2003
... And to All, A Good Night
As we head in to the home stretch of the holiday egg nog season (here in L.A., it'll be in stores for about another week, then so long until next year!), I just wanted to take a moment to hope everyone had a happy and healthy Christmas. Mine was fantastic, filled with family, friends, and love.
Oh, and presents. A tremendously generous helping of cool presents. So thanks for that!
Keeping with the "thankful" theme, and much more importantly, thanks to all of my friends and family -- which, come to think of it, pretty much describes anyone reading this 'blog -- for helping to make 2003 one of my favorite years ever.
See you in 2004!
Transmitted 11:06 PM PST | Link |

Monday, December 22, 2003
Shaking and Quaking
So, thanks to everyone who called, knowing I'm from San Luis Obispo, and wanting to make sure my friends and family were unaffected by today's magnitude 6.5 earthquake. In fact, it looks as if everyone in my immediate circle has come through shaken, but relatively unscathed.
Of course, these are fast moving, high tech digital times we live in, so shortly after the quake struck, I got a cell phone call from a production assistant at my former place of employment, KCAL-9. The PA was calling on behalf of a very good friend of mine, who is the noon producer there; she wanted my best friend Frank's phone number, to set up a phone interview with him. Boom, bang, boom, and suddenly, the best friend is talking about cleaning up the playroom (I know just what he's talking about!), surviving the quake, the fear of Diablo Canyon, and disaster preparedness with an audience of at least thousands. Click here for KCAL 9 Video Viewer segment that includes Frank sounding like every bit of the undeclared mayoral candidate he is. (His part starts about three minutes in to the chunk; I couldn't find a fast forward button, so you'll have to sit through one other interview before Frank starts yapping.)
Back to that audience size: There is at least one report that, as often happens, CNN picked up the KCAL feed, and that one of Frank's friends who lives in Davis, CA saw and heard his interview live on CNN... which would mean that I pimped my best friend out to a global audience of millions.
I'm telling you, world domination is not out of the question... if we play our cards right. (Evil laugh...)
Transmitted 03:50 PM PST | Link |

Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Why Is My "Uh-Oh" Alert Going Off?
According to a Yahoo! News story about radio frequencies for highway systems:
WASHINGTON - Federal regulators approved a step Wednesday toward developing smart highways, where warning signals automatically transmitted to drivers can prevent traffic accidents.
The Federal Communications Commission set aside an area of broadcast spectrum to transmit those signals, rather than have them share space with electronic toll sensors, cell phones and garage door openers.
"Smart radio technology means smarter highways, safer roads and a more secure homeland," FCC Chairman Michael Powell said.
So why did this story set off my "uh-oh" alert? Ah, yes. It's because every time a government official who has very little or nothing to do with the vaunted "homeland security" starts talking about how a plan, or contract, or idea will lead to "a more secure homeland," I can't help but replace that phrase with the what I consider to be the now synonymous "lucrative contracts for our fat-cat donor friends in big business and industry."
Try it: "Smart radio technology means smarter highways, safer roads, and lucrative contracts for our fat-cat donor friends in big business and industry." See?
A quick search via Google found these other examples:
Alaska Congressman Don Young has announced that the Department of Homeland Security is committing to enhancing security at Alaska's key port facilities. Grants totaling $758,569 are scheduled as a third round of a series of grants that will enhance and provide for more secure ports in the State of Alaska.
Use our new substitution scheme, and you get:
"Alaska Congressman Don Young has announced that the Department of Homeland Security is committing to enhancing security at Alaska's key port facilities. Grants totaling $758,569 are scheduled as a third round of a series of grants that will enhance and provide lucrative contracts for our fat-cat donor friends in big business and industry."
Note: Don's a good Alaska Republican.
Hey! From George Bush's news conference the other day:
...We've spent a lot on defense budgets in order to win the war. We've also spent a lot of money to secure our homeland.
... becomes the much more appropriate:
"...We've spent a lot on defense budgets in order to win the war. We've also spent a lot of money to secure lucrative contracts for our fat-cat donor friends in big business and industry."
It's easy and fun! Try "decoding" security-speak for yourself, and see what it reveals!
Transmitted 12:55 PM PST | Link |

Tuesday, December 16, 2003
I Have Reservations
So, the holiday season is here, and you know what that means: Family, fun, and food!
Family, I’ve got in spades. I’m hosting the beloved Dr. Mom and her husband (Mr. Dr. Mom? He's a Doctor, too, so does that make him Dr. Mr. Dr. Mom?), plus, my brother and sister-in-law will be nearby, and I’ll get to see them, too. So, it’s all good on the family front.
Fun? Well, I’m sure we’ll figure out a couple of fun things to do. Dr. Mom’s already sent me a copy of her latest research project, cleverly disguised as a “List of things to do while I’m in Southern California.” It’s a 70-point listing that makes the Marshall Plan look poorly organized in comparison. (These are jokes; there’s only four or five things, and they’re all quite do-able.)
Which brings us to food.
I figure, when you get to be a certain age, you need to step up to the plate (so to speak) and provide a nice meal for your family on a major holiday.
So, of course, I went Honeybaked.
Yep, yesterday I headed down to the Toluca Lake Honeybaked Ham store, and made my “reservation” for a holiday ham.
This, not so coincidentally, is where my other “reservations” come in to play. Because, apparently, the ham reservation system at Honeybaked Ham in Toluca Lake consists of the very nice and friendly “Maria” scribbling a code word on a Post-It™ note, handing it to you, and, with a reassuring smile, saying “Okay, see you Christmas Eve.”
That's it? No note taking or record keeping on her part, just a code word and a smile? For some reason, I can’t get the Seinfeld episode “The Alternate Side” out of my head. It's the classic where Jerry is trying to rent a car.
Jerry: I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?
Agent: Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Agent: I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
Let’s hope they don’t just “run out” of hams.
Transmitted 05:33 PM PST | Link |

Monday, December 15, 2003
WARNING! Eurodisco Fans!
It may be very, very tough for you to drag yourself away from Martin Solveig's Web Site, especially if you dare to click on this page, where you can mix Solveig's illegally catchy "Rocking Music" your own damn self.
You've been warned...
Transmitted 08:44 PM PST | Link |

The Plame Game
Not to get all involved in old potential nastiness, but I just read a pretty interesting column on the Miami Herald website about the whole Valerie Plame scandal.
And if you just said, "Valerie who?" then PLEASE click on over and read it.
Just the other day, I was e-mailing with a friend; we were small talking about politics, and the current state of things, and I realized that trying to stay involved in the political process is damn tough these days, because it usually leads to feelings of outrage and helplessness. And who wants to go around feeling outraged and helpless all the time?
Part of me wants to run off to join the Dean campaign (or whoever ends up taking the nomination) and fight the good fight to get this country back on the right track. Ah, the Clinton era... peace, prosperity, and jobs. (Aspiring comedians may note the comedic proximity of the words "Clinton" and "jobs." If you can successfully put them together in a joke, congratulations! You could work for Leno!)
And the other part of me wants to just shut up, watch my TiVo, and hope to God, or Allah, or Buddha, or whoever ends up taking the nomination, that things will be all right.
Transmitted 01:04 PM PST | Link |

The World’s Worst Feeling
Based on my waking this morning, I’d have to say, it’s the feeling when you realize you don’t really know how to play guitar, you’re not going to be on the Letterman show, and worst of all, you’re not dating Jennifer Garner and have no idea how she likes to snuggle in bed.
So, of all the things going through my brain today in that unique early morning slumber cloud upon waking, it turns out the capture of an oppressive terrorist dictator thug – which I learned of during a brief waking at 5:30am to, uh, take care of business - was the only one that was true.
For the record: The guitar thing, I think it must have come from watching Saturday Night Live, and thinking that Jimmy Fallon, if he couldn't play guitar, wouldn't get nearly the airtime he does. Being on Letterman ... or, more appropriately, working for Letterman ... is certainly a recurring waking thought. And do you really need any interpretation on the Garner tip? I will only say that out of all the "stars" in Hollywood, I am of the opinion that Ms. Garner is among the most likely to be normal, and relatively fun to hang out with. And yes, you read the description of my subconscious nocturnal flirtation correctly. Even in my dreams, apparently, I am a gentleman. (I once dreamed that a certain teen pop icon who shall remain nameless gave me her personal e-mail address, so we could be buddies. Sad, but true.)
Oh, plus, according to Mrs. Chelios, who used to be married to a doctor, I have the flu. This, despite my having gotten one of them newfangled "flu shots" several weeks ago. Guess I got that "flu for which the flu shot don't do you a damn bit of good" flu.
This concludes our journey into my subconscious. So now you know...
Transmitted 12:58 AM PST | Link |

Sunday, December 14, 2003
Thanks, Yahoo & AP!
I really didn’t want to spend two hours watching the Survivor finale later tonight, so when I opened up my browser at 8:45pm, I didn’t mind at all that one of the headlines on my “My Yahoo” homepage gave away the results of the contest, even though the show is still airing here on the West Coast, and will be airing for at least another hour and fifteen minutes until they crown a champ.
I know, I know… it’s MY fault for going anywhere near the Internet after the show was broadcast on the East Coast. But I’m working! I needed to do some research! I couldn’t get to Google quickly enough to avoid my eye straying idly down the page.
Still… Grr.
(But I liked the result.)

Transmitted 08:57 PM PST | Link |

Guess Those Water Piks Are Working
Hey, just a few days ago, I drew a correlation between the U.S. military's lack of dental hygiene and the freedom of Saddam Hussein. And after my call for better flossing, what happens???
Don't mess with this website, baby. We've got all the answers.
Transmitted 12:20 PM PST | Link |

Thursday, December 11, 2003
Flossing For "Justice"
Sometimes, when it comes to Iraq, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. (Usually, I think about it for a second, then the crying starts.)
For example, check out this report from washingtonpost.com, about the upcoming massive troop rotation in Iraq and Afghanistan. A United States general laments the fact that many troops here aren’t medically ready for deployment overseas.
"Under the current rules, they get one physical every five years, and quite frankly we've got real problems in dental readiness," the general said.
Dental readiness???? For want of appropriate flossing, Saddam Hussein goes free? While our men and women are being picked off in Iraq, we’re deploying Water Piks on the homefront?
I can see the future discussion now, between a young girl and her grizzled father.
“Daddy, you were in the Army back in 2003, right? Did you go to Iraq?”
“Nah, sweetpea. Gingivitis. If you think war is hell, you should have seen my gums.”
Dental readiness, for God’s sake… How “dentally ready” do you have to be to go fight and die for Governor Bush’s new oil fields?

Transmitted 09:14 AM PST | Link |

Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Kneel Before Zod!
Just a quick holiday reminder. It's always a good idea to Kneel Before Zod!
Merry Zodmas, everyone!
Transmitted 10:02 PM PST | Link |

Friday, December 5, 2003
If At First You Don't Succeed...
If at first you don't succeed at painting the perfect portrait of American heroism, stealth, and derring-do, just keep changing your story until people stop asking questions.
Unfortunately for the White House, every time they change the story, people ask more questions about Governor Bush's "daring" trip to Baghdad for Thanksgiving. And they've been changing the story a lot.
Take a look at this item from the Washington Post, called Another Course Change in the Air Force One Story. It chronicles the three different explanations we've been given about the whole "someone spotted Air Force One during the trip" thing.

Can you spot the actual turkey in this picture? Hint - there's only one.
But that's okay, because it's no worse than Appointed President Bush picking up a table centerpiece to pose for pictures. I mean, sure, it looks like that's a turkey, but it's not. It's a centerpiece, hence, its Norman Rockwell-like perfection.
Now be honest -- how many of you saw that photo and thought it was a real turkey for eating? That maybe Bush himself would carve that sucker up for our hard-working men and women overseas?
Okay, admittedly, that's just a little untruth. But even little untruths like this, which would never be tolerated during the Clinton/Gore era, are fine and okay now, because they help tell a bigger "truth" about the "president." At least, that's according to his advisors...
"This was effective, because it captured something about the president that people know is true, that he really cares about the soldiers and gets emotional when he sees them," Mary Matalin, a former administration official, said about the trip to Baghdad. "You have to figure out how to capture the Bush we know, even if it doesn't come through in a speech situation or a press conference. He regularly rejects anything that is not him."
Wow. So little lies, or manufactured press events (say, like the "Mission Accomplished" fiasco aboard an aircraft carrier) are okay, because of the bigger "truth" they represent. Scary.
More info on the turkey photo-op (and version two of the Air Force One story) can be found in another worthy Post article, The Bird Was Perfect But Not For Dinner.
Hey, and in other depressing news, Ralph Nader has formed an exploratory committee, to look in to costing Democrats the 2004 election, uh, I mean, "running for president." My understanding is the campaign can receive emails at:
info@naderexplore04.org
So why don't you do what I did, and send them a nice note explaining what you think about Ralph's plan?
Transmitted 11:30 AM PST | Link |

Wednesday, December 3, 2003
Cool, Campy Rock Star Fun
Sure, you might have heard the expression "party like a rock star," but have you ever considered staying at a quirky '50's-style retro-future nature lodge run by a rock star? Now you can!
Click on over to Kate's Lazy Meadow Motel, designed and run by B-52's singer Kate Pierson. Be sure to click around and check out the rooms -- they're pretty much just as you'd imagine kitschy motel rooms designed by a member of The B-52's would look. (That is to say, just perfect.)
Transmitted 06:35 PM PST | Link |

Tuesday, December 2, 2003
The Cure for Getting "Hey Ya!" Out of Your Head
It's simple, according to comics über-genius Scott McCloud.
Check out this low-tech but high-funk video for Move Your Feet by Junior Senior, and never hum Outkast again!
You're welcome!
Transmitted 12:23 AM PST | Link |

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