Dictum Ridiculum - December 2001

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Dictum Ridiculum: December 2001

Archived rants and raves from the main page of the Colin Campbell Network.

Sunday, December 30, 2001
"Christmas Project A" Update
For those of you lucky enough to have received this year's Christmas letter, you may have noticed a "teaser" on there, promising more information soon on this very website. Well, there will be. And soon. Just not yet. Now, I'm still in vacation mode, getting ready for the ninth annual Frank and Colin New Year's Eve Disco Ball Drop. (Yes, we lower a smallish disco ball off the side of a downtown San Luis Obispo parking structure. I like to say it's the only New Year's celebration around that deals exclusively in irony and anti-climax.) Hey, Frank and the family got a nice new digitial camera for Christmas ... maybe we'll get some photos uploaded early New Year's Morning! Ah, the digital revolution...
Anyhow, this is the long way of explaining that it'll be at least another couple of days until we get the "Christmas Project A" stuff uploaded. So bear with! Meanwhile, check out my Ocean's Eleven review in the Monkey-Plex. But you should feel under no obligation to check out the film. It's a strictly "only if you want to" affair.
Transmitted 11:16 PM PST | Link |

Friday, December 28, 2001
Great Moments in Customer Service: UPS
For a company whose very existence is dependent upon delivering packages to people’s homes, UPS sure does a pretty bad job at it.
Which is too bad. The guy who comes to my house, Anthony, is a great guy. Nice, friendly, outgoing, hardworking ... and consistently and completely let down by the crumbling UPS communications infrastructure.
Take tonight, for example. A package arrives for me, somewhat unexpectedly. I’m home most of the day. In fact, between 8am and 6:00pm, I’m only out of the house for about two hours. Which, of course, doesn’t make a difference, because I’m at the end of Anthony’s route, and he never makes it by here before 6:00pm anyway. So, when I come home from dinner (away from the house for a grand total of ninety minutes to see some friends), there’s the little yellow sticky note.
Ah, the little yellow sticky note. My archrival. My nemesis. Over the years, I have developed a personal relationship with the little yellow sticky note. It’s not a good one.
The arrival of a little yellow sticky note on the front of my apartment complex usually means I’m in for a series of events not unlike a hostage situation. There’s a demand – we’ll be coming back to your house at X time. There’s the promise of a reward – just be there when we say, and you’ll get your stuff. And there’s always the possibility that things could go horribly wrong, leading to a standoff, or, at the very least, a movie with Robert Duvall as a wizened hostage negotiator. (“We have the package ... just sign on the little computer pad thing!”)
So, Anthony has checked the “Next attempt: Monday” box. Which is fine ... except I know I have plans for Monday, and don’t want to wait around all day watching UPS.com to see if my package is on the truck and headed toward my house. Tuesday’s a holiday, and I have plans for Wednesday. But I’m thinking a Thursday delivery attempt as the “second attempt” would be fine. It would leave the dramatic “final attempt” as a backup for Friday, in the event that I actually have to leave the house for a while on Thursday, which I do. And after that final attempt, if you’re not around when Anthony stops by, you’re driving to Van Nuys to get something UPS is supposed to bring to you. (As it turns out, there is no UPS delivery Monday, meaning the real second attempt will be on Wednesday ... a crucial point as we shall see.)
So I call UPS. This is usually a mistake. They make it seem like they can help you, but they can’t. It’s all a big sham. I don’t even think they have computers, or even phones, because every time I’ve called, they always say the same thing. “Well sir, we can’t reach the warehouse/driver/UPS office in your neighborhood, all we can do is send them a message.” By what, carrier pigeon? Maybe that would be an improvement over the current system.
I start by saying Monday is no good for me, and the phone guy reassures me that the next attempt will actually be Wednesday. That’s fine, say I, because I know I won’t be around Wednesday. So how’s Thursday for the second attempt?
The phone guy says no. Anthony is coming back on Wednesday, whether I like it or not. When I point out that Wednesday is, oh, another five days away, he admits that it seems silly, but no one will be available to get the message to NOT put my package on the truck between now and Wednesday morning.
Let’s take another look at that: In this age of modern 24-hour instant broadband 2-way communication, there is no way of communicating the very simple idea that five days from now, they should NOT try to bring a package to my house, but six days from now would be just dandy? You’ve got to be kidding.
Sure enough, that’s what the guy says. I give him my little yellow sticky number, and he says it’s too late. Here’s where I’m a little upset. The delivery attempt was made after 6:00pm on Friday, but if I don’t receive the package, I only have until 7:00pm ON THE SAME DAY to call and request a different time for the next delivery attempt? Gee, what if I’m, I don’t know, STILL BUSY during those crucial 45 minutes?
But we have learned something very important. At 7:00pm on Friday night, there is no force in the universe that can prevent UPS from attempting to deliver a package to my house in 109 hours. There is absolutely nothing that can be done to stop my package from getting on a truck Wednesday morning. The technology has not yet been invented which can stop this chain of events from taking place.
So, I said to the guy on the phone, “Hmm, well, that’s pretty stupid, but you know that’s stupid, and I know it’s stupid, so good luck getting that worked out. Thanks for your 'help,'” I said, trying to indicate verbally the air quotes around “help”, and hung up.
And you know what? I still think it’s pretty stupid. Fed Ex, anyone?
Transmitted 08:53 PM PST | Link |

Justice By Mail
Part of the cost of living in Los Angeles is the continuing aggravation of dealing with people who think that they see or want something of value inside your car, and are entitled to take it. I’m talking here, of course, about “thieves” or “crackheads.” I, however, have the world’s worst, dumbest robbers. My idiots should be sent back to burglary school, because they keep doing everything wrong.
Take, for example, the latest moron. Here’s a guy who sees my beloved (and still running like a champ) 1989 Nissan Sentra and thinks, “Wow, there’s a car that’s easy to break in to!” (Granted, it is, but that’s beside the point.) So, dude jacks in to my car and goes right for the glove box. See, my car is currently parked in my underground, locked, 16-car garage space at the time when this dude decides to bust in. Oh, and speaking of time, he’s picked a real great time to do his robbing: 10:45pm on a Monday night. Yeah, like there’s no one around then. Good thinking, idiot.
So, why the glove box? He’s going for the garage door clicker, no doubt. With that in hand, he can open the garage door, and then risk breaking in to a much better car to steal.
Except for one thing. I’m smarter than the average crackhead.
I never keep my clicker in the car overnight. Never. And it’s for just this reason.
So now, dude is pissed. How else to explain his decision to steal my battery?
That right, he pops the hood, snips the wires, unscrews the thing that holds your battery in place, and takes my damn battery. Oh, and according to the guys at the repair shop, he cut a bunch of wires in a fuse box, probably just out of malice and frustration.
This is all well and good ... except, as mentioned before, it’s 10:45pm. On a Monday night. People are coming, and going. And someone comes home and sees this moron trying to break in to another car. Nice going, Chief.
The loser makes a run for it, disappearing in to the Studio City night.
Insurance, rental car, added holiday stress, dealing with the repair shop ... these are all things I did not need in the days leading up to Christmas. Which is why I’m just now getting back on track.
The family has come and gone, Christmas went very well, we had a fantastic time, and I just got a lovely letter in the mail from the Los Angeles Police Department.
It’s titled, “INFORMATION FOR YOU, THE VICTIM OF A CRIME.” Wow, me? The victim of a crime? I suppose so.
As it turns out, my case has been placed in an “Open, but Inactive” status. Unless there’s a break, that’s it. They’re done with me. Of course, I’m still waiting to find out if the detective I filed my initial report with ever followed up with the witness who got a pretty good look at the guy. Maybe I’ll drop the L.A.P.D. a letter titled, “INFORMATION FOR YOU, FROM THE VICTIM OF A CRIME.” Justice by mail. It could work.
Looks like I’ll have to crack this caper myself. Where’s my Hardy Boys Detective Handbook?

Transmitted 11:32 AM PST | Link |

Monday, December 24, 2001
The Home Stretch
Here's the beauty of this new web-page set up. I can now report, relatively instantaneously, that I have completed the heretofore shrouded in mystery "Christmas Project A." And it's 5:20am on Christmas Eve morning. (Check that time stamp below.) Must now sleep for, oh, say four hours, and hit the malls for one final sprint before reaching the finish line of Christmas exhaustion. It's weird, isn't it, that first time you get too old to get really excited about getting up insanely early on Christmas morning? I have a feeling I could sleep until noon on Christmas Day, no problem.
As for "Christmas Project A," and why it has been all-consuming, well, you'll hear more about that in the days to come. There is a web-element of "Christmas Project A," you see, and that means more updates. But later. Not now. Now, must sleep ...
Transmitted 05:28 AM PST | Link |

Thursday, December 20, 2001
Fun With Radio Ads!
Maybe you've got this radio ad running in your market. Maybe you don't, but you have a similar one. Either way, here's a trick to make even the most idiotic ad much, much more fun.
In L.A., there's currently a big push for some kind of pre-holiday sale at a place called the Bernini Men's Outlet. The fun begins when the announcer has to say "Bernini" about 900 times during the course of this sixty second spot. So, when he says "Bernini," you at home (or in your car) say, "Bernini." Out loud. As you're listening.
By the fifth time, it's funny. But by the 15th time, you'll be laughing out loud. Trust me. Times 25 through 50 are "Kentuck Fried Movie"-level hilarious. There's a bit of a lag around time 60. You'll think to yourself, "am I laughed out?" Keep going.
Time 100 is a real milestone. (Remember, this is all during the same one-minute ad. Gotta talk quick!) Time 200 is equally special. You're now a Bernini Double Centenarian! Congrats! By the time you get to your 900th time saying "Bernini" out loud, you'll realize: Not only do they offer fine, Italian made clothing at bargain prices, but damn it, it's just fun to say.
Bernini.
Transmitted 09:08 PM PST | Link |

Wednesday, December 19, 2001
One Ring To Rock My World
If you're not regularly checking out the Monkey-Plex, you're missing out on a lot of review updates. We've expanded beyond just movies, to include TV, Plays, whatever -- it'll all be graded on our unique "one to five monkey" system. And just how great was The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring? Pretty damn great. Check it out -- both the film, and my review!
Transmitted 05:20 PM PST | Link |

Monday, December 17, 2001
The Start of Something Big?
Here's a unique way to get rid of some of the worst films currently polluting video store shelves coast to coast. Now, if we could just get the judge to expand his order to include all films featuring Sinbad, we'd be in business.
Transmitted 02:47 PM PST | Link |

This is ... CNN?
It must be just me, right? I mean, the war in Afghanistan is a pretty serious thing. And CNN is a pretty serious thing. So why, on CNN Headline News, do they think it's acceptable or appropriate in any way to use an over-the-shoulder graphic with a big picture of Osama, and the caption "Where's Osama bin Hidin'?"
Nice. Sorry, CNN, "cutesy" is not the right approach for war graphics. The man is directly responsible for the murder of more than 3,000 innocent people. This is not "Where's Waldo?"
Then again, down there on the CNN Ticker was yet another example of how the network is trying to appeal to a new generation of viewers. A story about a new, clean burning energy use for chicken manure was titled "It Happens." See how clever that is? They've taken a popular saying, "Shit Happens," and replaced "shit," with "it," hoping that you, the home viewer, would chuckle and laugh. "Oh, CNN," they hope you would say, "your near curse in a clever ticker caption makes me want to watch your network -- and support your advertisers -- more than ever!"
It's apparent to me what happened with the "shit" they took out of that "shit happens" saying. It's recycled, and put straight on the air.
Transmitted 09:46 AM PST | Link |

Sunday, December 16, 2001
Great Moments In Broadcasting: Square Pegs
One of the nice things about the switch to journal-style format here at the CCNetwork is the ability to quickly and easily update the site whenever I see fit. No more long hours spent slaving over HTML coding (uh, okay, it's not that hard, but it was a pain) just to get the site updated with a quick gag.
In that spirit, I present the first of what will probably be an onoing series I like to call "Great Moments in Broadcasting." Yes, here in Los Angeles, we've got them all the time, and as I see 'em, I'll try to share 'em.
Take, for example, this beauty from CBS2 sportscaster Jim Hill. Jim, an ex-football player, is certainly smooth, but no stranger to the malapropism. Witness his take on the Notre Dame coaching situation: After a long search, the school hired a coach, but it turns out the guy lied on his resume, and had to resign, so they need ANOTHER new coach. Here's Jim:
"Notre Dame is back at the drawing board, they have gone back to square peg number one..."
Gee, I didn't know drawing boards came with square pegs. And isn't it just "square one?" Maybe that's a Catholic school thing.
Nice try, though, Jim. You probably should mention something to your writers or producers. I think that script needed to be sent back to the drawing board. All the way back to square peg number one.

Transmitted 11:14 AM PST | Link |

Saturday, December 15, 2001
Feeling the Conflict
You know, there's just something about MSNBC War Bunny Ashleigh Banfield that I find vaguely disturbing. I guess when it comes to war coverage, I prefer my correspondents to be wearing beat-up and dusty vests, rather than $300 designer glasses. And the whole thing about Ashleigh changing her hair color, so as to match local custom? It just seemed fake. Give me Christiane Amanpour, a woman whose every cell screams "no nonsense," any day.
Also, and this may be just me, do you really trust any news "personality" who's younger than yourself? I think this rule applies no matter what your age is, which explains the continued viability and vitality of 60 Minutes. People are living longer than ever these days, and there must be plenty of them who won't believe something until Mike Wallace and Morley Safer say it's so.
Back to Miss Banfield: Her reward for almost getting killed in the WTC bombing (and capturing it, dramatically, on tape, of course!) was to be named the host of an hour-long show, a nightly war wrap-up from Afghanistan. Whenever I tune to this show on my DirecTivo, a channel and program i.d. banner pops up with the title: A Region In Conflict With Ashleigh Banfield. Actually, I can think of several regions that are in conflict with Ashleigh Banfield, starting with the region of my brain that says her mix of spunky personality and lack of gravitas are contributing to making this war seem a lot less serious than it actually is.
Transmitted 10:09 AM PST | Link |

Friday, December 14, 2001
Love Me Don't
From Reuters
BERLIN (Reuters) - Paul McCartney's wife-to-be Heather Mills knows next to nothing about the Beatles and does not recognize their songs, the ex-Beatle told a German magazine on Wednesday.
"She doesn't know a single song. Heather grew up with classical music and had friends who listened to hard rock such as AC/DC. She had no Beatles records at home,'" McCartney said in an interview in Stern.
"Once I was sitting at my piano and was humming a new song. Heather said 'Oh, a nice song. Which Beatles piece is that?' None at all, I said, I've just written it. I named the song 'Heather','' McCartney was quoted as saying. McCartney, 59, and Mills, 33, announced their engagement in London in July.
=======
Um ... Paul? If she doesn't know any Beatle songs, she's not nearly cultured enought to be MARRYING A BEATLE!!!
Yikes.

Transmitted 11:24 PM PST | Link |

Thursday, December 13, 2001
What Are You Doing Later? I Mean, Really Later?
Universe's end frozen in time kinda makes it all seem a bit pointless, don't you think?
Then again, we've still got several billion years left to figure out how to prevent the universe from ending. Strangely, I'm optimistic. (In fact, I'm sure Microsoft is working on the problem right now.)
Transmitted 12:41 PM PST | Link |

Ladies and Gentlemen, This is Your President
Newsweek Magazine had this gem of a quote last week:
"He wanted to talk about the Colorado-Texas football game. Unfortunately, I guess, I wasn't really that interested."
--University of Colorado physics professor Carl Wieman, who recently won the Nobel Prize for helping discover a new form of matter, on his inability to strike up a conversation with President Bush during a White House reception.
Now there's a meeting of the minds, huh? Good old boy Bush, wanting to talk football, with a guy who discovered a new form of matter, the basic building block of all existence. "Yeah, but hey, how about that Longhorn team. They could'uh taken down Nebraska, too ..."
Once again, my sincere thanks to Ralph Nader for his refusual to do something that actually would have helped America a whole lot. All you had to do, Ralph, was "release" your voters on that weekend before Election Day, and Gore's 500,000 vote victory would have been Florida-proof. Every time Bush does or says something stupid, do what what I do: Say, "Thanks, Ralph," and promise to get ten people you know to the polls on Election Day 2004.

Transmitted 03:26 AM PST | Link |

Wednesday, December 12, 2001
Go Ahead, Waste Six Hours
The Official Rock Paper Scissors Strategy Guide ain't pretty. Graphically, it could use a bigtime upgrade. But then again, what is it they say about people who live in poorly designed web houses? (They shouldn't throw GIF's, or something.)
Then again, I am a big fan of content, and the content here is pretty damn great.
Please don't tell anyone, but at a past job, a co-worker and I would burn thirty minutes, sometimes up to an hour every day alone in a room, playing RPS. We'd have epic battles. We'd play mind games with each other. ("Bet you don't go paper on this one ..." "Bet I do ...") All in all, we became masters of RPS strategy.
Then again, as this site points out, the strategy is pretty basic. If you want to beat paper, you'd better pick scissors. And stay away from rock.
Simple ... and yet, so complex. Perhaps that's why I love RPS so.
Transmitted 11:40 PM PST | Link |

Moron of the Day: Destiny's Child Rock Historian Kelly Rowland
Ah, those crazy kids.
First off, the good news:
After shaking their booties seemingly non-stop for the past four years, Destiny's Child is going to give themselves ... and us ... a break. The group announced they've decided to split up for a while, and work on solo projects.
That led to this comment on the future of Destiny's Child, given by Kelly Rowland, to E! Entertainment Television:
"You know how the Beatles broke off, they all did their solo projects and they came back together and they were even stronger."
I miss George even more now.
Transmitted 11:04 PM PST | Link |

Is This Thing On???
So what's going on here?
We've caught a wave, and we're sitting on top of the world.
It's crazy, this Internet. I'm telling you. You've got to move fast, or be left behind. Sure, things look golden now, but be careful. Burnout may be just ahead. The dot com world is soaring like a rocket, and these little "weblog" things are all the rage. Better to get on top of the fad now, than risk ending up like some poor brick and mortar retailer! The Internet -- it's all about timely access to content, baby, and coincidentally, that's what we're all about, too ... here at the Colin Campbell Network.
So in that spirit, we're relaunching.
It could get ugly.
There are programming issues, content issues, "GreyMatter" issues (soon you will know), SSI issues, SHTML issues, XHTML issues, PHP issues, CGI issues, and, for good measure, CSS issues. But I am confident most, if not all of the bugs can and will be worked out.
So as we embark on this ambitious program of new content generation and display, I ask only for your patience, your readership, and your support. (Later, I will ask for your money. But certainly not now.)
Like what you see? Hate it? Drop me a line. Or click on the little "comment" link. That's what it's there for. We're trying to switch from "monologue" to "dialogue." I think it can be done. How about you?
Transmitted 10:16 PM PST | Link |

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