Dictum Ridiculum - October 2004

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Dictum Ridiculum: October 2004

Archived rants and raves from the main page of the Colin Campbell Network.

Friday, October 29, 2004
Putting Up
In this crucial election year, given the choice between putting up or shutting up, a wide variety of people have decided to put up, and do all they can for what they believe is the right course of action for our country.
That course begins with the election of John Kerry as the 44th President of the United States of America.
Among those who have answered the call, and used their considerable talents to try to make a difference: Buffy/Angel/Firefly creator Joss Whedon, through his High Stakes 2004 fundraising events. (Click here for a picture of me & Joss at the Hollywood Party; click here for photographic proof (randomly found on the web, post-event) that I did spend some time near the very delightful and gracious Alyson Hannigan. We later chatted -- she's a doll!)
Another person using their talents for the cause: Academy Award-Winning documentary filmmaker Errol Morris, who has just posted his entire series of Election '04 ads featuring people who voted for Bush in 2000, but are supporting Kerry in 2004.
If you're an undecided voter, especially one who voted for Bush in 2000, you've come in for a lot of mocking this election season. You'll find none from me... just a suggestion that you really, really, really should watch and listen to some of the people who found themselves in a similar situation to you.
Speak Spanish? Even if you don't, this great ad running in Florida is a hoot, and is getting a lot of the credit for reducing Bush's lead among Hispanic/Latino voters in that state.
Also good to watch: John Stewart's notable exchange with the hosts of Crossfire. (Link by popular request)
Also very good to do: Find out where you should go to vote on Election Day. (And double-check the result here; it can't hurt to be doubly sure.)
And vote!
Transmitted 12:13 AM PST | Link |

Wednesday, October 27, 2004
The State of Local Television News
And now, a Los Angeles local news rant. Buckle up.
I had the extreme misfortune of tuning in to some local news tonight, channel surfing for a quick moment during a commercial in the World Series. (By the way, congrats to the curse-busting Red Sox.) KCBS did three minutes, live, at the top of their 6:00pm news on a puppy rescued from the L.A. River. The reporter had close-ups of the puppy nuzzling the camera lens (awww!), and a sound bite from the guy who DANGLED FROM A HELICOPTER TO RESCUE A SLIGHTLY WET DOG.
Now, don’t get me wrong – I love animals, dogs probably more than cats – but instead of asking something like, “During a flooding emergency, do you think it’s the most efficient and valuable use of L.A. County Swift Water Rescue resources to grab, by helicopter, a wet dog stranded in the middle of the L.A. River?” the reporter said, “What a great way to begin the newscast! Back to you, Harold and Ann!” Harold and Ann then tossed to Chopper 2 reporter Larry Welk (a co-worker from back in the day), who did play by play, from the helicopter, on the truck carrying the golden retriever back to the animal shelter! It looked for all the world like another classic L.A. TV news slow-speed chase... except, this was a truck carrying a wet dog. As the lead story. Of the six o’clock news.
I’ll give ‘em the live shot. I’ll give ‘em the interview with the rescuer. I’ll even give ‘em the puppy nuzzling the camera lens. But I MUST DRAW THE LINE at CONTINUING LIVE HELICOPTER COVERAGE of a TRUCK CARRYING A WET DOG! This is L.A., you know, and heck, isn’t there an election next week or something??? Or missing explosives and people dying in Iraq? Or any one of billion more worthy stories?
It was, to use a new word I learned this week and am trying to spread, completely aghastable. I was even more aghasted (ooh, a new conjugation!) to realize ... I watched the whole thing.
Transmitted 11:56 PM PST | Link |

Some Election Food for Thought
A friend passed this along, and I thought it was worth sharing, especially as we head in to the home stretch.

As a concerned U.S. citizen, I will vote in November. Regardless for whom one votes, all concerned U.S. citizens should vote. Being able to vote is a good & important privilege. Nonetheless, the politicking process leading up to November sucks.
I get tired of all the candidates’ posturing. I get tired of the parties’ constant spinning & misinformation. I get tired of the news media scratching me where I do not itch—& ignoring places that need a scratch.
But, if I’m honest, I must also admit that we, as a collective citizenry, are partly to blame for this state of poor discourse. Nowadays, we (& I mean a collective “we”) respond to fluff rather than substance. To flash rather than foundation. We behave as if someone shouting a pretty lie is preferable to someone whispering substantive truth.
In such a case, it’s no wonder that misinformation & spin is thicker than honest perspectives about which a concerned citizen may deliberate—regardless of his or her final conclusion.
Concerning the presidential election, the best way I’ve found to deliberate & decide for whom I will vote is to use the following analogy of a firefighter—most apropos, considering our recent history. Metaphorically & in a real sense, a lot of the world is burning. Regarding the two major party candidates, many of us will make our decisions based on who we feel may best put out these fires.
Personally, I support the president’s challenger. However, if you support the president, I still urge you to vote. As I wrote above, we all should vote. And I’d be disingenuous if I wrote that supporting the president’s challenger came without unanswered questions. Electing any person to a new office comes with unanswered questions.
In all of this, I return to the question of fighting fires.
And regarding the first significant fire—the fire of September 11, 2001, I give the president a lot of respect & a high grade. After the attacks, a substantial portion of our American house was on fire. A lot of people within our American family (&, dysfunctional or not, we are an American family) were panicked & didn’t know what to do. At that moment, the president did a very good job at directing our attentions to fighting the fire in our home.
Nor was that fire a random happening. In the neighborhood of world nations, our home was a victim of arson. One of our neighbors, in a house down the street & around the corner, firebombed our home. It was arson.
And it was a credible risk that folks in that house would try to firebomb our home again.
After properly ascertaining who the arsonists were & in which house they lived, our firefighter in chief did a difficult—& proper—thing: he started a fire in their house. This fire smoked out many of the arsonists who attacked our home. Some fled as a result of the fire that we set. Some were killed as a result of the fire that we set. Some arsonists were captured as a result of the fire that we set.
And, as a result of our preemptive, protective actions, there was extensive damage to this neighbor’s home. We’ve almost burned it to the ground. Even though arsonists & extremists lived in this house, the arsonists’ innocent family members also lived there. So, given our American family’s basic tenet of altruism—& even though we started this fire out of necessity—we also accepted the responsibility to extinguish the flames we kindled.
We continue this work still.
At the same time that we’re trying to rebuild the parts of our home damaged by the arsonists’ flames, we work to install a more efficient smoke detector & security system. We’re using our hoses, water & construction equipment to simultaneously extinguish any of our neighbor’s lingering flames & to rebuild a home for the extremists’ innocent family members. And this is being done while some of the arsonists who escaped try to hamper these efforts.
In all of this I’ve agreed with our president—our firefighter in chief.
But another neighbor has distracted us from this monumentally important effort. This house is also up the street & around the corner. The owner of the home & patriarch of those who live within is a worthless, slovenly, peevish piece of garbage. He’s a drunk. He’s a cheat. And it’s no stretch to assert that he’s abusive to his family.
Whenever we go through this neighborhood, this slug comes onto his porch to shout obscenities & throw his beer bottles at us. It would be better for us if he didn’t live in that house. It would be better for the neighborhood—& possibly better for his family—if someone else were in charge of this home.
However, unlike the neighbor at whose house our firefighter in chief began a blaze, we have no evidence that this unkempt worthless piece of stench has the ability & intention to also start a fire at our house.
Or do we?
Our firefighter in chief, who did a good job in the immediate aftermath of our arson attack & who’s done a good job searching for the arsonists responsible, says he has proof that arsonist in this other house may soon try to firebomb us. He says that we should attack that house first, show everybody in the neighborhood this proof & eliminate this growing threat to our home.
Of course there is more than one reason to preemptively attack this home, but the main reason—the reason reiterated over & over within our home—is that the dirty drunk down the road has the capability to firebomb our house. And he has the means to do it RIGHT NOW.
So our firefighter in chief asks us in the American family to support another preemptive attack on a neighbor. We are asked to support the firefighter in chief as he firebombs another house.
Though I was initially reluctant, the chief firefighter & all his lieutenants promised all of us that they had proof of this imminent threat to our house. Reluctantly, I gave him my okay in this firebombing, based on his declaration that he’d show us evidence of the impending danger. I even defended his decision to my brothers, sisters & cousins who were more skeptical.
Now, after a horrible—& mistaken—conflagration, we learn that the firefighter in chief was wrong. There was no imminent danger. There was just a stupid, drunken old man standing on his front porch in his dirty underwear screaming obscenities at us.
It’s good that this harmless (to us & our house) fool is gone. But at what cost? The home in which he lived has been burnt to embers. Numerous innocents have been maimed & killed. The firefighter in chief in this effort again abrogated our family’s prohibition against preemptively attacking someone else’s home. And this time his principal reasons for doing so were flat out wrong.
Additionally, since our firefighter’s reasons for the flame have been proved incorrect & the fire’s devastation so great, the neighbors of this house are angry at our family & our house for our actions. Many of them didn’t care for us or our house, but as long as we didn’t bring ruin to their part of the vicinity, they ignored us.
Now many of them have a burning anger against us & our home. The firebombing has given the arsonists & extremists the fuel they needed to ignite a true flame of hatred among the cousins & friends of the house we’ve mistakenly burned.
And, simply by looking at human nature—on how I would react, I fail to feel as if this misguided house burning has made me safer. I can intellectually & emotionally put the proverbial shoe on the other foot.
In my own genetically bonded family, there are relatives for whom I have little affinity. (And I’m probably not alone in this regard.) If someone were to have a dispute with him or her, I might stay abreast, but I wouldn’t feel inclined to do much more.
But if someone suddenly & erroneously attacked my cousin—or my best friend, or my sister, or my brother, well, now you’ve got a fight with me, too. And, knowing how tightly knit my extended family is, you’ve just made A LOT more than one more enemy.
And, be our methods financial, judicial or otherwise, we’re going to mess you up.
I’m not alone in having such sentiments. Many of you—members in this American family—have similar reactions.
And if so, this means that the chief firefighter’s actions have multiplied the number of arsonists & extremists looking for another chance to firebomb our home. And our erroneously set fire has strengthened these enemies’ fanaticism.
How then can the firefighter in chief stridently declare that his faulty firebombing has made our home safer? I don’t understand this.
Again, I think it’s justifiable to believe that the president’s main opponent would not be as good a firefighter. This may well be the basis of a voter’s decision.
And it’s justifiable that a supporter of the president feels he’s the best firefighter for the world’s—or for the neighborhood’s—present conditions. If so, this should be acknowledged to his merit. But, in the same state of honesty, you must admit that the very fire for which you give him credit for fighting is the same fire that he started himself. And his main stated reason—our house’s imminent danger—was wrong. This must also be acknowledged to his demerit.
Personally, I believe the main challenger will be as good, if not better than, our present firefighter in chief.
One may choose to support the president after considering these factors. But the chief firefighter can’t have it both ways at the same time. He can’t say, “I’m the best, most experienced firefighter” without, in the same breath, saying, “but this is a inferno that I mistakenly started myself.” He (& his lieutenants) can’t say, “Hatred throughout the neighborhood against our house has increased,” & then say, “but we’re safer.”
And we, all of us in this American family & household, must acknowledge that our means to fight the legitimate fires—in our home & at the house where the arsonists actually lived—is SEVERLY depleted as we work to extinguish a blaze that never should have been ignited.
Once more, I want to clearly say that no one should be elected just because fewer people turned out to vote against her or him. So I hope that everyone votes & all votes are properly weighed. Good luck & God bless us all.
Amen.
Transmitted 11:24 PM PST | Link |

Tuesday, October 26, 2004
How Soft Is SNL?
One day after one of the lowest points in Saturday Night Live's musical history -- the Ashlee Simpson Lip-Synch Fiasco of 2004 -- creator Lorne Michaels was given a prize. A bunch of actors and comedians from the show were asked to speak... but guess what nobody talked about?

Lorne Michaels was awarded the 2004 Mark Twain Prize for American Humor at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, during a ceremony attended by the likes of "Saturday Night Live" regulars Steve Martin, Tim Meadows, Darrell Hammond, Chevy Chase, Molly Shannon, Dan Aykroyd and Tina Fey.
Other guests included singer Paul Simon, actress Candice Bergen, talk show host Conan O'Brien and U.S. Sens. Christopher Dodd (D-Conn.) and John McCain (R-Ariz.).
Everyone heaped praise and occasional humiliation on Canadian-born Michaels, 59, who described SNL as "always being stuck in adolescence." But the Simpson fiasco went unmentioned.
Went unmentioned??? Call me crazy, but don't you think John Belushi would have mentioned it? A pre-GOP-ized Dennis Miller would have had a field day. Hell, even the love-him-or-hate-him Norm MacDonald would have done SOMETHING with it, even if it probably would have been a joke about lip-synching by David Hasselhoff. Sure, it was an award ceremony and all, but c'mon!!
I guess this is just the latest sign I'm getting older. You know, entering that stage where nothing today is as good as it used to be? For example, remember when SNL was the punk rock of comedy? Now, it's safe. Really safe. And I don't want "safe" to be any part of the description of Saturday Night Live. (A much more cutting and, truth be told, funnier, version of this hypothesis is available here.)
Grr. (<-- Cranky old man sound.)
Transmitted 11:21 PM PST | Link |

The Power of Belief
This article by Thomas F. Schaller, about his "beliefs," starts:

I believe in President George W. Bush. I've always believed him.
I believe the president invaded Iraq to secure liberty and democracy for the Iraqi people. I believe he had compelling evidence that Iraq was a significant threat to America and the world, and presented that evidence in a complete and balanced manner. Like 42 percent of Americans -- and 62 percent of Republicans -- I believe Saddam Hussein was involved in the September 11 attacks.
I believe we have enough troops on the ground in Iraq to ensure stability. I believe the rising American fatality rates, the rising casualty rates, and the rising American share of those coalition fatalities and casualties testify to the undeniable progress we're making there. I believe it is inappropriate and traitorous, however, for the media to broadcast pictures of American flag-draped caskets returning from Iraq.
And it gets better from there.
Read the whole thing.
What did you today to help John Kerry get elected?
Transmitted 04:37 PM PST | Link |

Saturday, October 16, 2004
Other Blog Report: Mary Cheney
Most of the stuff at Fafblog! is a little too "bloggy cute" for me, but I certainly laughed at this take on the whole Mary Cheney thing.
Before John Kerry's terrible words, Mary Cheney only had to be gay to her family, her friends, the Coors Corporation, the staff of Bush/Cheney Re-Elect, and the gay community at large to whom she acted as a liason. But John Kerry made her gay to the entire world, effectively making her more gay than ever before.
Post author "The Medium Lobster" (?) then goes on to propose a truly demented ... and hilarious ... "solution" to the Mary Cheney "problem." Certainly worth a read.
Transmitted 12:13 PM PST | Link |

Thursday, October 14, 2004
America's Latest Terror Threat
Cheney Vows To Attack U.S. If Kerry Elected
GREENSBORO, NC -- In an announcement that has alarmed voters across the nation, Vice President Dick Cheney said Monday that he will personally attack the U.S. if Sen. John Kerry wins the next election.
"If the wrong man is elected in November, the nation will come under a devastating armed attack of an unimaginable magnitude, one planned and executed by none other than myself," Cheney said, speaking at a rally in Greensboro, NC. "When they go to the polls, Americans must weigh this fact and decide if our nation can ignore such a grave threat."
God bless The Onion.
Transmitted 11:13 AM PST | Link |

All Kinds of Debate-y Goodness
And here it is, the very popular “Real Time Debate Blog” that I wasn’t able to do for Debate #2 (or the Veep Debate) because of my first-ever trip to New York City! (Wild West Tech work sent me to the Big Apple for an upcoming episode; much more to come in the future.)
So, putting aside all considerations of watching Sox/Yanks Game 2 (or, as an NL guy, Astros/Cards Game 1), I buckled in and watched all of Debate #3. Here’s what I saw from Arizona:
6:02pm – Boy, that wacky Bob Schieffer sure gets a lot of power. He picks the questions, he picks the follow-up… Hope he picks good questions. Hope he isn’t in bed with the Bush family. What? His brother is an old business pal of G.W.’s, and was appointed by W. to be ambassador to Australia? Sigh...
6:03pm – Ah, the ever popular race to the other guy’s side of the stage. Chimpy Bush again is quick off the line, and veers into Kerry Kountry.
6:04pm – The first series of camera shots (on CBS, at least) provides a crucial look at one of the key issues in the debate: Is Bush wearing his Robo-Box? So far, it looks like his back has mysteriously smoothed out.
6:05pm – Kerry gets to go first, and opens with MORE THANK YOU’S! DAMN IT!!!! We all know you’re happy to be there!! Just answer the first question, head-on!!
6:04pm – Kerry busts out with: “I believe that this president, regrettably, rushed us into a war, made decisions about foreign policy, pushed alliances away. And, as a result, America is now bearing this extraordinary burden where we are not as safe as we ought to be.” In the immortal words of Yogi Berra, it’s déjà vu all over again. Then again, it’s kind of like the Rolling Stones opening a concert with “Start Me Up” – it’s a solid hit, people like it, they expect to hear it, why not open with it?
6:06pm – Bush’s foreign agenda for the second term: “...We can be safe and secure, if we stay on the offense against the terrorists and if we spread freedom and liberty around the world.” Uh, is this really a new debate? Or just “Greatest Debate Hits”?
6:07pm – I don’t know what it means, but both Kerry and Bush went with red ties. Hmm...
6:08pm – Wow, a body blow, and early! Kerry gets right under Bush’s skin, with “Six months after he said Osama bin Laden must be caught dead or alive, this president was asked, Where is Osama bin Laden? He said, I don't know. I don't really think about him very much. I'm not that concerned.” Bush freaks, responding with his first clear lie of the evening: “Gosh, I just don't think I ever said I'm not worried about Osama bin Laden. It's kind of one of those exaggerations.” Hey, Chimpy, you ain’t running against Al Gore this time, and that whole “exaggerations” dog just won’t hunt. You, sir, have lied. And we’re only eight minutes in...
For the record: "So I don't know where he is. You know, I just don't spend that much time on him, Kelly, to be honest with you. . . . I truly am not that concerned about him."
6:10pm – George Bush unveils his new health plan – Don’t get a flu shot this year.
6:11pm – Time for an old favorite, the John Kerry Gratuitous Swing State Shout-Outs! “All across our country -- go to Ohio, 1.4 million Ohioans have no health insurance, 114,000 of them lost it under President Bush; Wisconsin, 82,000, Wisconsites lost it under President Bush.” Kerry then busts out with “This president has turned his back on the wellness of America.” Is it just me, or does “wellness” sound kind of pansy?
6:14pm – Is Kerry being too attack-y? I kind of want to hear more about his positive plans, and how they’re different from Chimpy’s. But maybe it’s just me.
6:16pm – When Bush tries to read statistics, he just sounds so freaky. And, AHHH! Run for your lives! Bush invokes Ted Kennedy!! Ooooooh!!! Spooooky, kids!!!
6:17pm – I’m struck by the overwhelming feeling that George W. Bush just doesn’t make sense. He is unable to communicate his ideas clearly. Maybe someone turned off the transmitter.
6:17pm – Ohh, more back shots of Bush. I just keep looking for the bulge.
6:19pm – Bush on education: “I’ve got more to do...” No, you think???? Hey, but try to have it all wrapped by the end of the year, though, ‘cuz in January, there’s gonna’ be some pretty massive job turnover in D.C. And you might want to start checking for housing on Craigslist for Houston, -- ‘cuz you’re gonna be in the market for a new place to live.
6:21pm – Is it just the odd emphasis that makes Bush sound so weird when he over-pronounces phrases like “jobs of the twenty-first century”? I guess it is.
6:22pm – Kerry tackles the tough issue of outsourcing American jobs overseas. “Outsourcing is going to happen. I've acknowledged that in union halls across the country. I've had shop stewards stand up and say, Will you promise me you're going to stop all this outsourcing? And I've looked them in the eye and I've said, No, I can't do that.” Great. I can see the GOP talking point now: “Kerry on outsourcing: I can’t stop it!” Ugh… Plus one point for honesty, John, but minus several (thousand) votes, I fear.
6:23pm – Bush really is the new Gore when it comes to inappropriate debate sounds. He kicks off with a big, “Whew!” He then moves to a subtle financial appeal to voters: “You've got more money in your pocket as a result of the tax relief we passed and he opposed. If you have a child, you got a $1,000 child credit. That's money in your pocket.” And there’s a pretty good summary of the George Bush appeal to voters. George Bush: Money in your pocket! (I hear Kerry’s team is hard at work developing a counterpunch. Look for Kerry’s “Free Beer” initiative to be unveiled later this fall.)
Bush continues with “I believe the role of government is to stand side by side with our citizens to help them realize their dreams, not tell citizens how to live their lives.” Strangely, he fails to continue with, “You know, unless it comes to things like the right to have an abortion. Or gay marriage. Or religion, like making sure everyone pledges allegiance to the United States of America, under God.” (Because, you know, without the “under God” part of the pledge, our bountiful land would immediately be overrun in a swarm of hellfire and demons.) But you know, other than that, they don’t want to tell us how to live our lives.
6:26pm – Bush again makes noise about Ted Kennedy. Dear God, man, give it a rest!
6:27pm – Further examination reveals Bush and Kerry may actually be wearing the same tie.
6:31pm – Kerry goes biblical!! “There's a great passage of the Bible that says, ‘What does it mean, my brother, to say you have faith if there are no deeds? Faith without works is dead.’” C’mon, Middle America, get on board!
6:34pm – Some parts of the debate defy description. The transcript (or the raw video) really just speaks for itself.
SCHIEFFER: Mr. President, let's have a new question. It goes to you. And let's get back to economic issues. Health insurance costs have risen over 36 percent over the last four years according to The Washington Post. We're paying more. We're getting less. I would like to ask you: Who bears responsibility for this? Is it the government? Is it the insurance companies? Is it the lawyers? Is it the doctors? Is it the administration?
BUSH: Gosh, I sure hope it's not the administration.
Me too, you smirking chimp. But it does make for a nice summary of Bush’s accountability policy: “George Bush: Whatever’s Wrong With America, I Hope It’s Not My Fault.”
6:38pm – Kerry comes awfully close to calling Bush a liar, and me likey!
“KERRY: Once again, the president is misleading America. I've actually passed 56 individual bills that I've personally written and, in addition to that, and not always under my name, there is amendments on certain bills. But more importantly, with respect to the question of no record, I helped write -- I did write, I was one of the original authors of the early childhood health care and the expansion of health care that we did in the middle of the 1990s. And I'm very proud of that. So the president's wrong.”
JK then follows up with a very nice: “Well, two leading national news networks have both said the president's characterization of my health-care plan is incorrect. One called it fiction. The other called it untrue.” Go, Kerry! Go, Kerry!
6:41pm – Bush takes a shot at CBS. “In all due respect, I'm not so sure it's credible to quote leading news organizations about -- oh, never mind.” Never mind is right. Nice “half-joke,” Governor Bush. It’s all half snarky asides and snide comments… blech!
6:44pm – Bush: “I remember the 2000 campaign, people said: If George W. gets elected, your check will be taken away. Well, people got their checks, and they'll continue to get their checks.” Never forget, the Bush domestic policy is all about getting paid. Oh, yeah!!
6:46pm – Kerry mentions the Washington Post, and for some reason known only to him, Bush laughs.
6:52pm – Bush, apparently not happy at being limited to picking only one answer in response to a tough question on illegal immigration instead goes for the potpourri. “I see it as a serious problem. I see it as a security issue, I see it as an economic issue, and I see it as a human-rights issue.” Proposed question for the mythical fourth debate: “Mr. President, is there any way in which you DON’T see the question of illegal immigration?”
6:54pm – Schieffer proves nobody is his daddy. He pimp-slaps Chimpy with a “Time’s up,” cutting off the leader of the free world before he can do further damage to the English language. WOW! I’m just sorry Bob didn’t use the buzzer.
6:56pm – Bush, running out of insults and lies about Kerry, starts bagging on the guy who used to be Governor of Texas... “Well, to say that the borders are not as protected as they were prior to September the 11th shows he doesn't know the borders. They're much better protected today than they were when I was the governor of Texas.” I’m not sure if this is supposed to prove that things used to suck, but now are better, or what, but c’mon...
6:57pm – A Schieffer question about the minimum wage seems to be right up Kerry’s alley. Is Bob going soft on JK, just to make sure that any pro-Bush bias charges won’t stick?
6:59pm – Bush takes the question about minimum wage, and starts (again) talking about education. What talking point did he get? “Okay, if they ask any questions about the minimum wage, switch it to education.” Yeah, that'll work.
7:00pm – One of my favorite Bush quotes of the night: “You cannot solve a problem unless you diagnose the problem.” EXACTLY!!!
7:01pm - Straight talk, Bush style.
SCHIEFFER: Mr. President, I want to go back to something Senator Kerry said earlier tonight and ask a follow-up of my own. He said -- and this will be a new question to you -- he said that you had never said whether you would like to overturn Roe v. Wade. So I'd ask you directly, would you like to?
BUSH: What he's asking me is, will I have a litmus test for my judges? And the answer is, no, I will not have a litmus test. I will pick judges who will interpret the Constitution, but I'll have no litmus test.
Uh, no, that's not what he's asking you. He's asking you, "would you like to overturn Roe v. Wade?" Seemed simple enough to me.
7:02pm – Bush tries again on the whole “liberal senator from Massachusetts” thing. Yeah, yeah… we get it! Ted Kennedy is Satan, and this guy is worse. Is that all you got?
7:03pm – Kerry busts out with: “$89 billion last year to the top one percent of Americans, but kids lost their after-school programs. You be the judge.” It occurs to me at this point that Kerry is kinda’ kicking ass. Kinda’? Maybe, really kicking ass...
7:06pm – Bush tries some swing state shout-outs of his own: “I remember going on an airplane in Bangor, Maine, to say thanks to the reservists and Guard that were headed overseas from Tennessee and North Carolina, Georgia.” I expect him to follow up with, “This was after I met with our brave fighting men and women from Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Florida...”
7:09pm – Bush proposes a stunning new “War on Crime,” and the what's the key? Crack down on people who commit crimes with guns. Wow. Why didn’t we think of that before???
7:14pm -- Did someone tell Bush that he’s going to win on education?? Because every answer he can, such as this one on affirmative action, he turns to education. Very odd.
7:16pm – Bush gives the most peevish defense of freedom of religion I’ve ever seen. He actually looks a bit scary as he spits out, “But I'm mindful in a free society that people can worship if they want to or not. You're equally an American if you choose to worship an almighty and if you choose not to. If you're a Christian, Jew or Muslim, you're equally an American. That's the great thing about America, is the right to worship the way you see fit.” This, he says like a man who knows that he has to say it, but doesn’t believe a word of it.
7:17pm – Bush has unleashed the “armies of compassion.” Yikes! Sudden thought: Is there going to be a draft for them? To avoid service in the armies of compassion, can one sign up for the Texas Air National Guard of Compassion?
Bush continues: “In Afghanistan, I believe that the freedom there is a gift from the Almighty. And I can't tell you how encouraged I am to see freedom on the march. And so my principles that I make decisions on are a part of me, and religion is a part of me.”
I mean, read how that idea just peters out. Bush just can’t communicate.
7:18pm – Kerry: “And frankly, I think we have a lot more loving of our neighbor to do in this country and on this planet.” Ah, if that isn’t a direct appeal to Clinton voters – if not Clinton himself – I don’t know what is.
7:22pm – Bush: “And we made good progress early on. The No Child Left Behind Act, incredibly enough, was good work between me and my administration and people like Senator Ted Kennedy.” So, wait a minute. He isn’t Satan??? Flip-flop!!!!
7:24pm – Bush says of his wife Laura, “she speaks English a lot better than I do.” And that’s the lead story in this month’s “No Shit” magazine...
7:26pm -- Kerry goes first with the closing statement. Oh my God! Does he say “idear” when he means idea? Yikes!!!
7:28pm – We cut to Bush for his closing statement, and there is no other interpretation to the look on Bush’s face than, “Okay, here’s that tough speech with all the words and stuff that they had me practice a million times this week. I better not screw it up.”
Bush again rallies the armies of compassion to spread freedom and liberty... presumably, with M1/A1 Abrams tanks, but freedom and liberty nonetheless.
7:30pm – Kerry again wins on the post-show race to Bush’s side of the stage. Am I the only one who thinks about stuff like this?
7:31pm – Bush calls up the girls again, but this time, Kerry counters with The Kerry Bunch!! Also, Bush and his ladies skedaddle pretty quick, while our next president spends a little extra time enjoying the scene of his latest debate triumph over Chimpy McFlightsuit.
And that wraps up the debates!
Post-debate line of the night goes to Atrios, and, by extension, someone in the comments on his indispensable blog:
I think someone asked in comments recently something along the lines of "Who are we going to see tonight? The angry frat boy or the retarded chimp?" I think the answer is, "angry retarded chimp."
Transmitted 02:14 AM PST | Link |

Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Then Again...
there's always Bubbie. Pretty damn funny.
Transmitted 09:34 AM PST | Link |

A Slightly Edited Music Video...
... of Chimpy during the first debate is here, and while it has a good beat, you can't quite dance to it. However, it's pretty dang okay. Thanks to Political Brother for pointing it out to me.
And what did you do today to help get John Kerry elected? Did you call your friends who live in swing states? Did you wear your pin? Did you put up a sign? Did you write an e-mail to your local newspaper?
Cliché time: Every vote counts. Do something. Now.
Transmitted 09:19 AM PST | Link |

Monday, October 4, 2004
A Moment of Silence...
... for the San Francisco Giants bullpen. I wrote this as an e-mail to my friend, and Giants fan, Ray. I hope he'll forgive me.
"This is Jon Miller, along with Joe Morgan, and we're here just outside SBC Park -- at McCovey Cove, as Giants Manager Filipe Alou is presiding over a very special ceremony -- the execution of his bullpen."
"Jon, I've been around baseball a long time, and I have never seen anything like this."
"I tell ya, Joe, did Sparky Anderson ever have to kill every member of his bullpen?"
"No, Jon, he didn't, and that's part of what made Sparky Anderson such a great manager..."
"And there goes Jason Christensen ... he had lead weights attached to his ankles, and was knocked out with a bat to the head from Deivi Cruz ... "
"And Jon, that's the first key hit Cruz has gotten in a long time..."
"Now, here's Hermanson ... And take a look at this, Joe, Hermanson has managed to wriggle free from his handcuffs..."
"I don't know how he did that, Jon, but it's not going to matter..."
"No, it's not, because here comes the big slugger, Barry Bonds. And let me tell you, he is walking with great intention right over to Dustin Hermanson."
"That's a different kind of intentional walk than we've seen Barry get most of this year..."
"It certainly is, Joe, and I don't know if this is some sort of delayed -- and you hate to say it, but you have to -- delayed 'roid rage, but Barry is really going to town on Hermanson's Head."
"That was my favorite old Fox sitcom, Jon.."
"I believe that was Herman's Head .... but no matter ... one more whack from Bonds ... and, yes, there it is! We've got a floater in McCovey Cove!"
"Ohh, and look at the dogs paddle out to fight over it..."
"An unfortunate scene, here at the blood-red waters of McCovey Cove... I'm Jon Miller, for Joe Morgan, saying, see you next time on Sunday Night Behead... uh, Baseball."

Transmitted 12:51 AM PST | Link |

Friday, October 1, 2004
Going To (Watch) The Candidates Debate
Every ‘blog is doing it, so why not post my own thoughts on Presidential Debate number one? Okay, I will.
Opening: Jim Lehrer looks like he’s trying to wash his hands of the whole thing, with his big “I have agreed to enforce their rules on them.” That is: “Don’t blame me for the lack of substance, America! I’m ‘neutral.’” Whatever.
Also, the explanation of the debate timing rules sounds like a rejected reality show format. “If you want to use your special one minute extension, buzz in!” This image is only reinforced with the whole “green, yellow, and red lights with a back-up buzzer” system. I thought when it got to code red, we were expecting an imminent terrorist attack? I can’t keep my colors straight.
The debate opens, and Bush sprints over to Kerry’s side. Oooh! He’s getting’ all up in Kerry’s grille! But damn, the “president” is pretty short. He looks like a guy picking a fight on the playground.
The debate begins. Kerry launches a series of uncomfortable “thank you’s” – ugh! Are we in for a long night?
Kerry stumbles a bit when he accuses Bush of leaving U.S. alliances “in shatters” across the globe. In tatters, perhaps?
GAH THE LIGHTS!!! Somebody call Regis.
Bush busts out his first daring and controversial theme: “September the 11th changed the world.” Uh, yeah? And how did you handle that change, Mr. “president”? First off, wasn’t it your sworn job to protect and defend the United States? Well, that’s okay, nobody’s perfect, but surely, you’ve canned the morons who didn’t get you the information you needed to protect us, right? What’s that? NOBODY has lost their jobs over the colossal failure of intelligence on September 11th? Hmm. Okay, I guess. I mean, you know best, right?
Bush says the Taliban is no longer in power in Afghanistan. Which is nice. Of course, they’re still a huge threat to true peace and freedom in Afghanistan, and, you know, more than 1,000 people have been killed in fighting linked to Taliban remnants in Afghanistan, but you know, at least they’re not in power. Or a threat to the upcoming Afghan elections.
Bush takes credit, somewhat mushmouthedly, for breaking up “the A.Q. Khan network.” What the hell is that? If you’re going to take credit for beating a bad guy, it helps if he’s a bad guy that we actually know. Osama, Saddam, the Joker ... someone with name recognition! (It should be pointed out that of those three, Bush has managed to capture only one.) I mean, I follow this stuff, and it takes me a while to realize he’s talking about a renegade Pakistani scientist who was selling nuculer™ secrets to the highest bidder. I think Kerry’s response should have been, “Not only did he break up the A.Q. Khan network, he broke up the CBS Network... Now, which is scarier?” But this wasn’t the “comedy” debate.
Bush pledges our nation to a “solemn duty” – to constantly stay on the offensive and “spread liberty.” Gee, I can’t wait for the new “constant offensive.” Does that mean we’re going to be in a “constant” state of war? Forever? Or just until all the “terrerests” are “defeated?” Because, as we all know, the number of “terrerests” is a finite number, and the rate at which they refresh their ranks is entirely unconnected to U.S. policy. (Oh, there is a total disconnect going on here, but it’s between Bush and reality.)
Bush uses the word “vociferously.” Although this bold (for him) word choice is technically correct, CBS anchor-in-training John Roberts tells the nation afterward that the president really meant “viciously.” (True, I watched the debate on CBS.) Hmm. I don’t know what’s worse: Having a president who apparently doesn’t mean what he says, or having a news organization that, oh, perhaps in an attempt to get back on Shrubuya’s good side does the service of restating what the president really meant. Next time, John, how about some analysis of what he actually said? Is that too much to ask for?
And here I started keeping track of the time... so I’ll leave those notes in. (Hey, I was winging it!)
6:16pm – Whoa! Someone’s been taking speechifying lessons from Dick Cheney, as the “president” slips in the old “Saddam/bin Laden” confusion stutter. You know the one, where they say “Saddam” when they mean “bin Laden”, and then chuckle and instantly correct themselves? “Of course we're after Saddam Hussein -- I mean bin Laden,” said the prez. I mean, really, Saddam, bin Laden ... they’re all the same, right? Or is that what they WANT us to believe???? (Evil music sting!!!)
6:18pm – Ladies and Gentlemen, the John Kerry disingenuous list of swing state shout-outs! “I've met kids in Ohio, parents in Wisconsin, Iowa, where they're going out on the Internet to get the state-of-the-art body gear to send to their kids,” said Kerry. I’m just surprised he didn’t meet similar parents in Pennsylvania, or right there in Florida. Shocked, really...
6:23pm – Bush again puts forth his best plan for fighting terrorists: A state of never-ending offensive war. “The best way to defeat them is to never waver, to be strong, to use every asset at our disposal, is to constantly stay on the offensive and, at the same time, spread liberty.” “Spread liberty” could replace “wardrobe malfunction” as my least favorite phrase of the year. When Bush talks about “spreading liberty,” it kinda' makes me sick. But hey, at least it’ll be profitable liberty for the fine folks over at ... at ... hey, Dick, what’s the name of that company you used to work for? They do a lot of our no-bid contract work now? Oh yeah, Halliburton! That’s right, Halliburton -- the unindicted co-conspirator of liberty spreading for many years to come!
A general note: Bush looks hunched over his podium. Oh, and can we stop with the podium pounding?
6:27pm – Kerry wants that Wisconsin vote. He mentions the Dairy State again. Memo to Kerry: We get it.
6:33pm – Bush keeps saying Kerry’s slogan “Wrong war, wrong place, wrong time.” He’s said it so much, I’m starting to believe it...

6:36pm – Bush says, for about the one billionth time, that nation building in Iraq is “hard work.” Yeah, I know. I just wish you had listened to Governor George Bush, who, when he was running for president, said:

BUSH: I don't think our troops ought to be used for what's called nation-building. I think our troops ought to be used to fight and win war. I think our troops ought to be used to help overthrow the dictator when it's in our best interests... I think what we need to do is convince people who live in the lands they live in to build the nations. Maybe I'm missing something here. I mean, we're going to have kind of a nation building corps (sic) from America? Absolutely not. Our military is meant to fight and win war. That's what it's meant to do. And when it gets overextended, morale drops.
You had that right. Too bad you flip-flopped... uh ... “changed positions” on that one.
6:42pm – Bush, in the middle of an answer, gets the “green light” indicating he has thirty more seconds. He promptly waves it off, and says “let me finish.” Well, okay ... but only because you have thirty more seconds.
6:45pm – We’re halfway through, and the buzzer hasn’t gone off yet? Bummer.

6:47pm – The leader of the free world requests one of his 30 second extensions … and uses the first five to stare blankly into space. I wonder what he sees at moments like that? (The Daily Show later aired a nice clip of this dumbfounded look.)
6:52pm – Apparently, the way to win the peace is Iraq is “to send messages to the Iraqi people.” ‘Cause based on the number of times he's said it, that’s apparently Bush’s plan – just send messages. Not food, not water, not tolerance, not respect ... just messages. Maybe they’re in code?
6:57pm – Bush sneers defensively, “Of course, I know Osama bin Laden attacked us...” Which is kinda’ frightening, when you think about it. Look at what Kerry said:

SEN. KERRY: Jim, the president just said something extraordinarily revealing and, frankly, very important in this debate. In answer to your question about Iraq and sending people into Iraq, he just said the enemy attacked us. Saddam Hussein didn't attack us; Osama bin Laden attacked us. Al Qaeda attacked us.
So after hearing that, Bush’s primary thought, the thing he MOST wanted to say, was to reassure people that he knew who attacked us. Great. That means he must have thought that there were people watching who were genuinely concerned that Bush DIDN'T know who attacked us on 9/11. Which says a lot about him, and a lot about the people he thinks are voting for him.
Or maybe it’s just me.
7:00pm – Bush waves at Jim Lehrer to get his guaranteed 90 second rebuttal. As though someone else may suddenly burst in to the room and have a turn to talk.
7:10pm – Bush’s answer about genocide in the Sudan slowly grinds to a halt when he realizes ... he doesn’t really give a fig about genocide in the Sudan. The debate timing light is still green, Bush still has plenty of time to talk, but hey, genocide, wrapped it up in about 60 seconds! Beat that, Senator Talky-boy!

7:11pm – CBS (or whoever was running the cameras tonight) has to re-frame the shot to get Bush and Kerry’s heads at an even height – meaning there is lots of podium in the Shrimpy Bush shot, and no podium visible for Kerry.
7:26pm – Kerry’s big finish. Stumbled a little, and boy, am I the only one tired of every political speech ending with “God Bless America”?
7:29pm – Bush’s big finish. We’ve climbed a mighty mountain? He sees the valley of peace?? I guess the ‘shrooms are finally kicking in. “Mr. President, please remove the Pink Floyd album from the turntable!” Based on what he said tonight, I thought he saw U.S. forces engaged in a never-ending, offensive, pre-emptive war against vaguely defined terrorist threats, but I guess that's just me being partisan!
7:30pm – In the opposite of Bush’s bum rush at the start of the debate, Kerry sprints over to get all up in Bush’s grille. Call it a tie for the “who can get up in to who’s personal space” war. But it shall continue.
7:31 – Kerry goes a bit “Al Gore” on Teresa. And where are Kerry’s Kids (an important voting bloc themselves)? Bush brings to the stage three people (his wife and two daughters) who are legitimately more popular than he is ... two of whom are also more qualified to be President.
And that was the debate!
President Kerry. Sounds nice, doesn’t it?
While browsing the reaction of the suddenly popular blogosphere, I picked up my new favorite nickname for Bush: Chimpy McFlightsuit. Use it. Love it. Worship it.

Transmitted 03:38 AM PST | Link |

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