Dictum Ridiculum - October 2002

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Dictum Ridiculum: October 2002

Archived rants and raves from the main page of the Colin Campbell Network.

Friday, October 25, 2002
Are These Really Our Only Choices?
Hey, how 'bout those huge media mergers? Yes, they're good for big business, and remember: What's good for big business is good for America!
In that spirit, I'm guessing we should have been able to predict this. Count on AOL/Time Warner to offer up this gem of a poll, presented to AOL members on the service's main page as they logged on this evening.
Q: How would you describe the media’s sniper coverage?
1) Invaluable to solving case
2) At times sensational
3) Timely and informative
Uh, those are our only choices? Look, I know AOL runs CNN, and I know how it must be considered internal corporate blasphemy to offer up even that oh-so-stinging “at times sensational” choice. But, come to think of it, we can at least take solace in the fact that the recent ridiculous memo encouraging the use of slang at CNN’s Headline News had no effect here. I suppose we should just be thankful the question didn’t read:
Q: Yo! Sound off on the media’s sniper shiz-nit.
1) Phat
2) Dope
3) For Suckaz
Transmitted 11:55 PM PST | Link |

Thursday, October 24, 2002
Monkey-Plex Explodes With New Reviews; None Injured
Yepper, thanks to some not so subtle cajoling by the world's best brother, Morgan, I finally updated that dang Monkey-Plex. Click here to instantly be transported to my latest reviews, including (but not limited to) thoughts on Sweet Home Alabama, Blue Crush, Barbershop, and many more!
And, on a belated note to this website, let me point out that the above link for Morgan leads to a very nice, very primitive page I did "back in the day," as the kids say. Turns out, Morgan and Lydia just celebrated their fifth wedding anniversary. Yay for them! I'm so happy they're now living much closer to me than San Jose (they're in Thousand Oaks these days), and I'm not sure I tell them enough how fantastically great it is to be able to hang out with them, see them, party with them, and make my quickly-becoming-world-famous Eggs Benedict for them. Love you guys so much! So happy anniversary, again!
Transmitted 11:24 PM PST | Link |

Tuesday, October 22, 2002
Get Your Hot Links Here!
No, we're not talking sausage ... we're talking my favorite links I've stumbled over during the course of my web travels the past few days. Enjoy!
Want to see what John Ashcroft is working so hard to defeat? Check out http://www.usconstitution.net/ and see our most precious document, while it still exists.
Want the inside scoop on the recent Friar's Club roast of Chevy Chase? Find out who showed up, who didn't, and just how "blue" Paul Shaffer worked as the roastmaster, at this write-up from the New York Observer.
Want to relieve mankind's most glorious adventure? Everything you ever wanted to know is on-line, of course, at the Apollo Archive.

Transmitted 10:00 PM PST | Link |

Today's Comedy Gag
Saddam Hussein was re-elected in Iraq this week, with a stunning 100% of the vote. At least, that’s according to the person who ran the election, Saddam’s brother Jeb Hussein.
========
Okay, I wrote this joke, then it was brought to my attention that Jay Leno told a similar joke on his show. Since I never watch Jay (I'm a Letterman guy exclusively at 11:35pm, switching to Conan at 12:35am), I'm leaving this entry up here, if only as a reminder to you, the home reader, that every time you tune in to the Colin Campbell Network, you can expect professional-level comedy. So there.

Transmitted 03:45 PM PST | Link |

Tuesday, October 15, 2002
WARNING: For Hardcore "Star Wars" Nerds Only
Proof that, in fact, the Internet has gotten way, way out of hand can be found at The Unofficial Bultar Swan Fan Page, a page dedicated to a background Jedi in the lamentable "Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones." Granted, she is cute, but c'mon ...
May the force be with you.
Transmitted 10:00 PM PST | Link |

Monday, October 14, 2002
A Blessing From The Hockey Gods, With Carp
So, one of the benefits of being a Los Angeles Kings season ticket holder with the esteemed “Mrs. Chelios” was getting invited to a season ticket holders-only reception with the players at Staples Center.
This, in concept, is a great idea. As a season ticket holder, you’re helping to pay the salary of these players, so it’s a nice perk to be able to say, “Hi,” get a photo, and maybe an autograph. (We were told ahead of time there would be a strict “no autograph” policy at the event. That turned out to be not so. Autographs on jerseys were kosher, but forget about bringing in hockey pucks, cards, sticks, etc.)
It was, in a word, madness. Not entirely bad madness, mind you, but madness nonetheless.
The event was held in the concourses of Staples Center, basically the waiting areas for the snack bars and bathrooms. Upon entering, you were given a wristband, and told to report to one of seven different holding areas. Coincidentally, our assigned area was exactly outside our season seats. That worked out well.
Unfortunately, it’s not a large amount of space. And we had several hundred season ticket holders jammed together in our group.
And there were no lines. No barriers. No tables. Nothing.
Let me repeat that. There were no lines for autographs and photos, just a mass of humanity that gathered around each player the moment they arrived. (The players came to each section in sets of three, and rotated every 30 minutes or so.)
Quickly realizing the problems this posed, several of the security personnel tried to get people to form makeshift lines, only serving to further compress, and agitate, the crowd.
All in all, though, it was a fun event. I mean, it was free to season ticket holders, and though it was very poorly organized, most people did the right thing, lining up when asked, and maintaining civility. No kids were crushed (at least, none that I saw) and just about everybody got an autograph or photo to capture the memories of the night.
And, as it turns out, the hockey gods were looking out for me.
If you’ve followed this website at all over the last year, you surely must know about my near-obsession with Finnish hockey. Long story short, I like their style, their grit, their determination, their skill, and the fact that they’re not playing for money, they’re just playing for carp. That’s right: Most Finnish players receive no monetary compensation for playing in the NHL, just buckets and buckets of carp, which they usually have shipped home to their families in Finland. (Or at least, that’s what I believe.)
And, without a doubt, my favorite King is Finnish Olympian Mikko Eloranta.
But so far, on this night, Meet the Team night, there was no sign of Mikko. And it was getting late.
In line for an autograph with Mrs. Chelios and her friend Paul, and realizing the end of the event was upon us, we picked a “Dream Team” of players we wanted to see in the next and final rotation. We agreed that if Adam Deadmarsh, Ziggy Palffy, and Mikko Eloranta were the next group, then we’d all be happy. While it’s true that all three of those players were selected for their respective country’s Olympic hockey teams, only Adam and Ziggy are stars in the NHL. But Mikko, as mentioned, is my favorite King, and that's got to count for something.
Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
On the final rotation of the night, I heard whispers of “Palffy, Palffy …” work their way back to where I was standing. A slew of people made a beeline for the makeshift line that was quickly forming down the center of our area. Ken Belanger, a tough guy, was also spotted. Then, I was lucky enough to run in to Blaine, a season ticket holder who sits behind me (who, with his fiancé Jodi, are my candidates for “Least Appropriately Named Asian Couple Ever.” I mean really, Blaine and Jodi? But I digress…). Knowing of my obsession, Blaine delivered the good news.
“Hey, Mikko is in this group,” Blaine said.
Mikko? Here? Heaven.
But there was a problem.
You see, the security goons had set up three makeshift lines, all up near the exits, and far away from where I was. Palffy was on the far right side, at the end of one line, and Belanger was to the far left, at the end of another. That would leave Mikko in the middle. (Which, by the way, is my favorite show on FOX.)
I was standing away from that rapidly growing mass, in a line that, optimistically, had remained a line, even after the player we were lined up for had rotated away. (This was a line left-over from before we'd switched to the new "three lines, all up toward the exit" scheme now being foisted upon us.) Technically, we were in line for nothing. But I wasn’t going to let this opportunity go to waste. We had a line, all nice and formed and ready to go; all we needed was a player to go with it. And where was Mikko? He was supposed to be up there with Ziggy and Belanger … but I didn’t see him.
I did see a security guy (whose name I didn’t catch) at the front of our “line to nowhere,” chatting with two female hockey fans. They were explaining how we’d kept our line together, nice and organized, and all we needed was someone from the Kings at the front of it, and everything would be all right.
“You know what you need to do,” I said to the security guy, “is go up there, and get Mikko Eloranta, and bring him back to this line. We’re all set to go, we just need Mikko.”
The security guy agreed.
That’s right. The security guy agreed.
I tagged along as the security staffer walked over to Mikko’s “handler” (each player was accompanied by a member of the Kings staff) and asked where Mikko was. The handler said Mikko had gone to the bathroom. “Perfect,” said the security guy, “when he comes back, we’ve got just the place for him.”
I couldn’t believe it. Was it that easy? Ask for Mikko, and ye shall receive? Hockey gods, are you truly looking out for me?
Turns out, they were. Mikko was on his way.
I went back to my line, and excitedly told the women in front not to move, because a Kings player would be right over.
“Really? Which one?” one of them said.
“Mikko Eloranta!!!” I replied, bursting with excitement.
“Oh,” said the other woman, with a somewhat disinterested sigh, “I guess he’ll do.”
He’ll do????? I don’t think they understand! This is bigger than Charlie Brown getting Joe Shlabotnik’s autograph! I can get my Finland jersey signed by Mikko! I can get a photo with Mikko! I can share a quick personal fan moment with Mikko!
And I did. Here’s the photo to prove it. Click here for a photo of Mikko and me. For the record, he did speak English, and quite well. We shared a brief conversation, and he seemed genuinely pleased that I'd brought a Team Finland jersey to the event.
Oh, and by popular request, click here for a photo of Mrs. Chelios with Kings captain Mattias Norstrom. Hmm, by the looks of it, she may be contemplating a name change to Mrs. Norstrom. All I know is, the boy is from Sweden, and after I took this shot, I shook his hand. That boy has an NHL captain’s handshake, if I’ve ever felt one.
All in all, a fun night.
Can you tell I'm a bit excited? Hockey is back.
Transmitted 11:42 PM PST | Link |

Wednesday, October 2, 2002
I Don't Know What It Is, But I Want It On Everything I Own
So, I'm walking around work today, and there's a complex instruction manual for an editing system sitting on a desk. And on top of the manual is a Post-It™ note on which someone has written, "Has Automatic Duck."
"Has Automatic Duck"??? I suppose this could be useful if you're editing, and you say the secret word, a la "You Bet Your Life." Can you imagine the mischief Groucho could have caused with an automatic duck?
I want everything to come with Automatic Duck. A nice green and blue mallard, preferably.
"Hey, you're gonna love the new 2003 Maxima. Comes complete with automatic duck." Or, "I know you don't have time to make dinner tonight, honey, but don't worry, we've got the automatic duck." Or, "And with a full count to Bonds, the Dodgers will look for the automatic duck ..."
Maybe it's just me.

New! This entry in the Colin Campbell Weblog comes with Automatic Duck!

Transmitted 06:27 PM PST | Link |

TV Ratings Stupidity Taken To Its Logical Extreme
Yes, the people who run network television are plenty dumb. And this week's proof comes in the form of this story, in which NBC says that the very popular "Friends" show will run an extra two minutes long for the duration of the 2002-2003 television season, in an effort to goose the ratings in the hyper-competitive Thursday at 8:00pm time slot.
I guess if NBC thinks it takes 32 minutes of "Friends" to improve the ratings, I'm left to wonder what message that sends to the producers of a much better show, "Scrubs," who now find their allegedly-coveted Thursday 8:30pm-9:00pm shaved to 8:32pm-9:00pm. NBC says neither the program length nor the amount of advertising is affected by the move. I say if they really think that keeping "Friends" on until 8:32pm is going to make things better, they've gone over the deep end.
What's needed here is a form of programming detente, or at the very least, a binding U.N. resolution among the networks to stop doing stupid things like this. Mutually agree to start the 8:00pm shows at 8:00pm. Start the 8:30pm shows at 8:30pm. And, you guessed it, the 9:00pm shows should start at 9:00pm. If these ideas strike you as either revolutionary or insane, or if you immediately can think of three reasons why 9:00pm shows should NOT start at exactly 9:00pm, you may be television executive material.
In Colin's Magic World Where I Am King And All Must Do My Bidding™, this kind of nonsense would be prohibited, along with other idiocy, such at the 6:00pm news starting at 5:56pm (don't laugh; that's what time it starts here in L.A.; tune in at 6:00pm and you're liable to only see the newscast from the fourth most important story of the day on), the CNN "news" ticker that has clearly outlived its usefulness ("Out On A Limb: Cat Rescued From Tree, Widow Thanks Local Fire Heroes After Dramatic Ladder Climb" just isn't getting it done), and, come to think of it Fox News Channel. ("We Report, You Decide" my ass. They've reported, and I've decided they're reactionary morons.)
Transmitted 12:46 AM PST | Link |

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