Dictum Ridiculum - July 2002

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Dictum Ridiculum: July 2002

Archived rants and raves from the main page of the Colin Campbell Network.

Tuesday, July 23, 2002
Turns Out, I Am Going To Mars After All
Or, at least, my name is. And your name could be going, too.
It's as easy as signing up with NASA. They'll take your name, and put it on a CD-ROM which will be attached to the 2003/2004 Mars Lander mission. (It is hoped this mission will be much more like the breathtaking Pathfinder than the failed Polar Lander.)
So, while my desire to be sent to Mars remains as high as ever, for now I'll have to settle for just my name making the trip. I remain hopeful that the rest of me will eventually catch up.
How cool would that be? Set up a little viewing station at the place where the mission lands, and 20 or 30 years from now, let people see their own names on the CD? Big-time tourist potential, NASA. Get on it.
(A special thanks to honorary space geek "Mrs. Chelios" for pointing this one out to me. Only 77 more days until hockey season, Les! Hang in there!)
Transmitted 11:35 PM PST | Link |

Saturday, July 20, 2002
It’s Moon Day!
Thirty three years ago today, July 20th, 1969, men from Earth first set foot on another world. So what did you do to celebrate arguably the greatest single achievement in the history of humankind?
I’m paging through the new book, Apollo: The Epic Journey to the Moon. It’s a wonderfully visual retelling of the Apollo story. If you’re at all interested in the space program, this book is for you.
One of the great side benefits of my TV news career was getting the opportunity to meet three of the men who actually walked on the moon. There’s not a night when I see the moon, and don’t think, “We went there. Actually, all the way, through space, there.” And, of course, getting to meet some of the men who made that journey – well, it’s like talking to people who sailed with Columbus, isn’t it?
That crew probably numbered in the hundreds, though. So far, there have been just twelve men who’ve made the trip to the moon. I spent some very memorable (to me, at least) time at KCAL one night with astronaut Gene Cernan, the Apollo 17 commander, and the holder of the rather unfortunate title, “Last Man to Walk on the Moon.”
No offense meant to Captain Cernan, but I hope that someday that designation goes to someone else, and is eventually rendered meaningless.
And that is my wish for this Moon Day. If we eventually start colonizing other worlds, and moving out in to the stars, that will mean we made it. As a people. As a species. It’ll mean we’re smart enough, talented enough, and cohesive enough to work together to ensure the survival of humanity.
And maybe life here on Earth will be more than just a little bit better because of it.

Transmitted 05:31 PM PST | Link |

Sunday, July 14, 2002
The World’s Least Useful Button
My candidate? The “close doors” button on any elevator. Try it next time you get on to one. Hop in, and press the “close doors” button. What happens? There’s an interminable five-second pause … and then the doors close, like they would anyway.
Just which set of doors is the “doors close” button supposed to close? ‘Cause it sure ain’t closing the doors to the elevator I’m riding.
As a productive counterpoint, the world’s MOST useful button is the “change channel” button on your TV remote control, whenever alleged comedian Tom Arnold and Fox Sports Net’s “Best Damn Sports Show, Period” comes on. That, thankfully, does work 100% of the time.

Transmitted 01:50 AM PST | Link |

Friday, July 12, 2002
Flashing Back and Pressing Down Hard
See, for reasons that about five people on the planet will understand, I got a big kick out of the Revolutionary Online Stapler Simulation forwarded to me by my old radio pal Dave Sparks. If you are one of the five, feel free to leave a comment below.
If you are not one of the five (and, let's face it, statistically, there's a very slim chance that you are), then simply go and enjoy the beauty, the majesty, the pageantry that is modern on-line stapler simulation.
Transmitted 12:26 AM PST | Link |

Thursday, July 11, 2002
Things I Never Thought I Would Know
Before we start, let’s get one thing clear: I’m a freelance writer. I’ll write things which need to be written … for money.
So, for now, I’m working on SoapCenter, a show that airs on SoapNet, the first cable network devoted exclusively to soap operas.
And today, I found out that the lowest rated soap in predominantly Buddhist countries is … One Life to Live. Who knew?
(NOTE: Ah, okay. While the first two paragraphs are, in fact, true, the third is just another Website Comedy Bit™. But these are the kind of jokes we throw around the office. You do remember that I’m trying to update the site once a day, and not every entry can be an award-winner, right?)

Transmitted 12:22 AM PST | Link |

Tuesday, July 9, 2002
An Important Distinction
A friend of mine said he was considering asking out a very lovely Latina he met through work. My biggest piece of advice? Be sure to know the difference between a quinceanera and a carniceria. Learned that one the hard way.
(NOTE: All facts in today's update have been made up, in order to provide a sturdy comedic base for the punchline comparing a quinceanera to a carniceria. No actual Latinas are about to be dated by "a friend of mine." But my buddy Ray seemed to like this gag, and I thought it deserved a spot on the site. Also, I'm trying to update the site at least once a day, after repeated nagging by my core audience. This may increase the "randomness" factor of some posts, such as this one. You've been warned.)
Transmitted 01:27 AM PST | Link |

Sunday, July 7, 2002
It's More Than Just An Update!
It’s not really fair for me to update the site with only a “hey, check out my latest reviews over at the Monkey-Plex.” (But there are new reviews there! More on that in a bit.)
So, in the spirit of providing you, the home reader with a little bit of extra information, let’s take a peek at the hit logs here at colincampbell.net.
Yes, thanks to super sophisticated Internet technology, I can tell how people end up on my website. (Why they stick around, only they could tell you.)
Here's a look at the top five search requests that landed people on this site since the start of the year.
1191 hits – Mandy Lauderdale/Temptation Island
Usually found in conjunction with other keywords such as “nude,” “MTV,” “singing,” and, strangely, “dumb.” This goes back a feature I wrote on the old site, called “Moron of the Week.” After realizing that picking only one idiot each week would be a near impossible task in these increasingly stupid times, the feature was placed on hiatus, to be revived as needed.
418 hits – Ashleigh Banfield
The girl with the glasses! MSNBC’s (and America’s!) favorite war bunny, she’s also the one who evoked the most passionate response on the comment page. I still don't much care for her. You probably do.
238 hits – Colin Campbell
I’d like to think this was mostly people looking for me. But its frequent combining with some variation of “NHL” made me realize that most people are looking for the homepage of Colin Campbell, a bigwig in the world of hockey responsible for player suspensions. As far as I know, such a page doesn’t exist. Try NHL.com if you’re desperate to complain about how unfair it was that your favorite player was suspended for that obvious cheap shot during the playoffs.
230 – Celebrity Boxing
Oh, yeah! It’s hard to believe this has already been replaced as America’s Favorite Guilty Pleasure™ (I think that honor now rests with the wretched American Idol.) But a column I wrote about it has Google users thinking they can count on me for the latest “results” of these “matches.” They can’t. Sorry, Celebrity Boxing fans.
53 – Colin Quinn
Ah, my campaign to keep this show on the air was doomed from the start. Still, it’s always good to see a fellow Colin get a shot in prime time, and I honestly believe there’s still a need for the kind of honest, open, often, ahem, politically incorrect opinions expressed on The Colin Quinn Show.
<irony>
It’s too bad there isn’t some kind of network show where people could just sit around and talk about the news of the day without worrying about and watching everything they say. It would be a perfect companion to a show like, say, Nightline.
</irony>
So there you have it. A look behind the curtain. Now go away … but not until you’ve checked out my reviews of Lilo and Stitch, Pardon the Interruption, and Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast.

Transmitted 11:58 PM PST | Link |

Friday, July 5, 2002
The Best Spam I’ve Received Quite Possibly Ever
It’s an annoyance, it’s a pain, it ruins a perfectly fun trip to the e-mailbox, it’s SPAM™!
But sometimes, it rocks.
I know, I know. You’re saying, “Colin, this is SPAM™ we’re talking about here! There is absolutely no circumstance under which SPAM™ can rock!”
Well, after reading this, you may change your mind.
It came with the subject heading, “Time Travelers, Please Help!”

Hello,
If you are a time traveler or alien and or in possession of government or alien technology I need your help! My entire life and health has been messed with by evil beings! If you have access to the carbon copy replica model #50 3000 series, the dimensional warp, temporal reversion or something similar please reply! I simply need the safest method of transferring my consciousness or returning to my younger self with my current mind/memory. I need an advanced time traveler to work with who can help me, I would prefer someone with access to teleportation as well as a variety different types of time travel. This is not a joke! I am serious! Please send a separate email to me at: xxxxxxxx@aol.com if you can help! Thanks.
You can see why it’s tough to pick out my favorite part.
Perhaps it’s the paragraph which suggests that in addition to the carbon copy replica model #50 3000 series, the dimensional warp, or temporal reversion, “something similar” will do just fine. (Thank goodness! I thought my carbon copy replica model #42 2500 series was never going to get used again.)
Then, there’s the part seeking out only “an advanced time traveler.” Yes, if we’re going to handling the model #50 3000 series (or something similar, of course) we don’t want any beginners!
And of course, the stated preference for “someone with access to teleportation” is only logical. This, I believe, is added to the message in an attempt to weed out freaks. I mean, a lot of people may meet the first couple of requirements, but teleportation? Whole different ballgame.
Basically, the way I read it, this message is meant for two people: Doctor Who or Captain Kirk. Since I am neither, I won’t be able to help. If you can, though, drop me a line, and I’ll forward you the actual e-mail address.

Transmitted 10:51 PM PST | Link |

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