Dictum Ridiculum - April 2002

CCN Gear

Now available in the CCN Store

Free Katie! shirts and much more!

Dictum Ridiculum: April 2002

Archived rants and raves from the main page of the Colin Campbell Network.

Tuesday, April 23, 2002
Never Open Your Presents on Christmas Eve
So, through a series of events so top-secret, so earth-shattering that I was sworn to secrecy not to reveal them ... tonight, in my very hands, I held a script.
This being Hollywood, holding a script in one's hands in not very unusual.
But this script was printed on red paper. (Makes it harder to copy, don't you know ...)
This script had a special "code number" watermark on every page.
This script was entitled "11:00pm - 12:00am" -- and it was the script to the season finale of one of my favorite TV shows, "24," with Kiefer Sutherland, on FOX.
To continue the Christmas present analogy, I rattled it around a bit. I peeled back a little of the wrapping paper, just to see that it really was a present.
But did I turn to the last two pages and read how the whole thing ended?
Nope. That would be cheating.
But boy ... was I tempted.
I can say that based on the first two pages (hey, I had to read PART of it!), one of the primary characters is still alive. So is one of the primary villains. And one of them is very wet.
That's all I'll say ... other than thanks to the spy who risked even more than Jack Bauer did to give me a look at this super secret C.T.U. document.
Transmitted 01:48 AM PST | Link |

Friday, April 19, 2002
Yet Another Review!
Hey, I'm getting back in the movie-going groove! Click on over to the Monkey-Plex and check out my review of Cameron Diaz's booty-shaking fun-fest, The Sweetest Thing.
Transmitted 11:16 PM PST | Link |

Wednesday, April 17, 2002
And the Answer is ...
Recently, we asked readers:
Which of the following is NOT the name of a club in my neighborhood?
A) The No-Ho Ha-Ha
B) The Blue Zebra
C) The Liquid Kitty
D) The Spearmint Rhino

And the answer is:
C) The Liquid Kitty, on a technicality. It's not in my neighborhood ... it's in Downtown L.A.
So now you know!
Transmitted 10:24 AM PST | Link |

Tuesday, April 16, 2002
The Best Idea I've Heard In A While
Twentieth Century Fox is developing a sequel to the movie Dude, Where's My Car?
For now, the title is, Seriously Dude, Where's My Car?
Don't believe me? Search Yahoo News and see for yourself.
Frightening ... and pretty damn funny.
So what should the title for future sequels be? Use the Comments button to add your ideas!
Transmitted 11:05 PM PST | Link |

Thursday, April 11, 2002
Update in the Monkey-Plex
Harry Shearer has a new film out. It's called Teddy Bears' Picnic, and my review is now posted in the Monkey-Plex.
So there!
Transmitted 10:44 AM PST | Link |

Wednesday, April 10, 2002
Spot The Phony!
Which of the following is NOT the name of a club in my neighborhood?
A) The No-Ho Ha-Ha
B) The Blue Zebra
C) The Liquid Kitty
D) The Spearmint Rhino
The answer ... coming soon!
Transmitted 10:50 PM PST | Link |

Wednesday, April 3, 2002
Easter Wisdom
Some messages on my Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Baseball Message Board are just too good to leave there. They deserve a wider audience. That's why I'm bringing you this excerpt from a recent posting, written by a friend who shall, for the moment, remain nameless.
"You know, I don't remember us Catholics having Easter egg hunts, or big, elaborate gift baskets. But you marry an agnostic, and suddenly the rising of Christ becomes purpose for three trips to Target and crappy plastic grass as part of a display on top of a toilet!"
As you can see, we cover a lot of ground on the message board -- baseball, religion, marriage; it's all in play.
I love my fantasy baseball league, and the people I play with.

Transmitted 11:30 PM PST | Link |

Opening Day, 2002 -- Updated and Completed!
Yes, spring has sprung, and that means baseball is back.
As usual, I have a season ticket at Dodger Stadium. I love my seat; just above the press box, behind home plate, good angle on the pitch, and always in the shade, even during the hottest of day games.
It’s tough to describe what Dodger fans have been through over the past few years. The O’Malley family sold out to Fox, who promptly traded our most popular and beloved player, Mike Piazza, because “he wanted too much money.” (By the way, if they had signed Piazza to the deal Mike wanted, that contract would today be considered the single greatest bargain in all of sports. It’s basically Alex Rodriguez’s tip money. Way to be foresighted, Fox.) The team hasn’t won a playoff game since, well, gosh, since that 1988 World Series (Kirk Gibson’s year). And two-fifths of the starting rotation (Kevin Brown and Andy Ashby) are making more than $20,000,000 – and both are coming off arm surgery. (That’s not counting the millions going to pitcher Darren Dreifort, who is still recovering from his arm surgery.) Plus, the team traded its best offensive player during the off-season (Gary Sheffield, to Atlanta). And that old baseball canard about how every team is in first place on Opening Day? Not the Dodgers; they’re already a half-game behind defending World Series champ Arizona, who won last night.
Other than that, things are pretty good.
Herewith, my Opening Day diary. Dodgers versus Giants. Dodger Stadium. April 2, 2002.
10:00am – Bob’s Big Boy, Burbank. Pregame meal with the enemy, Giant fan Ray Estrada. Ray predicts Giant blowout. I predict Dodger blowout. We both disagree with other Bob’s customers, who say upon exiting, “Hey, that was Drew Carey down there at the counter.” Although it might have been ...
11:15am – Entrance to Dodger Stadium, and our first unpleasant surprise of the year. Yes, parking prices have gone up by a dollar again. Now, it’ll cost you $8.00 to bring your vehicle to Dodger Stadium. As there really is no viable or safe public transit alternative, you’re kinda’ out of luck on this count. Oh, sure, they’re building a light rail that’s going to go right up the 110 freeway. It stops in Chinatown, and at a spot past the stadium, but why on earth would we want fast, economical, cheap, clean train service to Dodger Stadium? I mean, please, let’s be sure we can keep an extra ten to fifteen thousand cars on the jam-packed freeways in the hours leading up to game time (7:00pm on most nights). Nice planning.
11:30am – Inside the stadium, I hear the welcome cry of my favorite slightly insane peanut vendor. “Nuts! Nuts! Nuts!” he barks, over and over. Ah, the sounds of spring.
11:35am – After a very long wait in line at a souvenir stand, I pick up my traditional two-pack: An Opening Day t-shirt and Opening Day pin. The trauma of past years is avoided by my early arrival. (It seems like every year, they’re sold out of XL Opening Day t-shirts by the time I get to the stadium. That’s led to my scavenging several souvenir stands on multiple stadium levels, all in a quest to get a shirt in the size I need. This year, I’m good to go.)
11:53am – It’s a foot long, it’s slightly meaty, slightly tender, slightly salty, and tremendously satisfying. Covered in spicy Gulden’s mustard, relish, and onions, it is the ceremonial first Dodger Dog of the season. And it is soon devoured.
11:54am – I meet a man who I imagine I could be spending a lot of time with this year. His name is Mike, he’s about 60, and he and his wife (she, wearing the Shawn Green jersey) are new season ticket holders in my section. They’ve got the two seats next to mine. In past years, these seats were sold to the general public, and often would go empty, providing me with some nice elbow and leg room. Mike appears to be the type of fan who doesn’t miss a game. (My suspicions are confirmed when, later, he asks me why I didn’t attend the two weekend exhibition games between the Dodgers and the Cleveland Indians.) Mike is a big guy, much bigger than me, and the seats at Dodger Stadium are pretty small.
11:57am – Sitting about four rows in front of me is a guy I call “Pin Hat Guy.” He’s been a season ticket holder in my section for I don’t know how long; longer than me, probably. “Pin Hat Guy” is about 40 or so, and wears a very old Dodger hat, covered with pins he’s collected over the years not unlike the one I bought earlier. Pin Hat Guy’s wife, though, doesn’t come today, and neither does their daughter. Pin Hat daughter, I’ve seen grow up over the last four years; she should be about eight years old now. I wonder if she’s stuck in school, or finally grew up enough to tell her parents that she’s sick of being dragged to Dodger games. But it certainly did appear as though Pin Hat Daughter liked baseball. She always wanted to stay until the end, and often wore her miniature Eric Karros jersey. Some nights over the past couple of seasons, Pin Hat Wife would have to carry her up the stairs as she slept. I hope Pin Hat Wife and Daughter make it to another game soon.
12:25pm – The U.S. Postal Service has set up a money-making scheme ... uh ... I mean, collecting opportunity, on the Club Level. It’s the 40th Anniversary of Dodger Stadium this year, so the Post Office is offering to hand cancel envelopes with a special Dodger Stadium postmark. I go, and pick up a nice envelope, buying an Ebbets Field stamp to go with it, and get it canceled. Then I slap a stamp on my ticket, and get that canceled, too. Hey, if somebody pitches a perfect game today, these babies will be worth a mint on Ebay.
12:30pm – I return to my seat just in time to see an assembled group of Dodger legends leaving their folding chairs on the field. I’ve just missed the introductions, and now, they’re moving on with the Opening Day festivities.
“Who did I miss?” I ask my new buddy Mike.
“All the greats,” Mike replies, somewhat gruffly, and he says no more.
Mike is a bit crusty.
12:35pm – A team of skydivers parachute in to the stadium, carrying an American flag and the ball to be used for the ceremonial first pitch.
12:57pm – A true legend, Dodger broadcaster Vin Scully, instructs us to look at the giant video screen, where we’ll see a short film about the great moments in Dodger Stadium history. The second the film begins, the audio (mostly of people talking, and news footage of the construction of the stadium) goes to hell. Other than the public address announcer and Vin, no human speech has ever sounded good coming out of the Dodger Stadium sound system; it’s just too muddied and garbled to make anything out of it by the time it reaches the listener. Oh well; the construction pictures are nice. (Although, in a neat bit of revisionist history, they do not show the forced evictions of the Chavez Ravine locals who refused to move out to make way for the stadium’s construction. I guess that wasn’t exactly a great moment in Dodger Stadium history.)
12:59pm – Peter O’Malley, longtime Dodger head honcho and son of Walter O’Malley, who brought the team to Los Angeles, throws out the first pitch. It’s a bit high, but we’re calling the high strike again this year, right? A discussion in my section immediately ensues, as we hope/plead/beg for the O’Malley family to buy the team back from Fox. Sadly, it’ll never happen, but it’s nice for us to dream.
1:10pm – Patti Labelle wraps up her six minute version of the Star Spangled banner. Uh, Patti? It’s not “perilous flight ...” Sadly, if Patti’s version had only been six minutes and thirty seconds, it would have been perfectly timed with the military jet fly-over. We’re told it’s two F-4’s and two F-14’s, from Point Mugu. My track record at identifying aircraft is rather spotty recently, so I take their word for it. (Note to family: Thanks for those cards and letters! It’s all cleared up now.) As it is, Patti ends the anthem, fireworks go off, doves are released in to the air ... there’s a thirty second pause ... then the jets go screaming overhead. Apparently, some practice runs last week caused a bit of concern in Downtown L.A., where the sight of military jets blasting over the skyscrapers was met with more than some trepidation.
1:13pm – A lost dove, left-over from the stirring and patriotic dove release during the climax of the national anthem, flitters above my head. It’s almost time to play ball.
1:15pm – “The Boys” are here. These guys are wearing special, home-made Dodger hard hats (construction worker gear), and special, home-made shirts that say “F*CK All Dodger-Haters.” The Dodger logo is in place of the “*” in their profane, if enthusiastic, shirt-based show of support. I’m guessing you can’t get these shirts in the Top of the Park gift store.
1:16pm – Dodger ace and multi-millionaire Kevin Brown takes the mound for his warm-up pitches. Apparently, the Dodgers are continuing their policy from last year of allowing the starting pitcher to select his own warm-up music. And today we learn that Kevin’s taste for vaguely Germanic Death Goth Metal is undiminished by his off-season elbow surgery. Ah, the sun is shining, the kids are eating hot dogs, there’s the full hope and optimism of a brand new baseball season stretching out before us … and we’re being screamed at over the stadium sound system by what sounds like a German electric guitarist who has just discovered his testicles are on fire. Play ball!
1:17pm – Baseball is back! Brown delivers the first official pitch of the season, and it’s a strike to Giant outfielder Tsuyoshi Shinjo.
1:19pm – Shinjo strikes out, and for one brief, shining moment, all is right with the world.
1:22 pm – Barry Bonds steps in for his hacks against Brown. Brown wins the battle, inducing Bonds to pop up. And there was much rejoicing.
1:24pm – Brown breaks the bat of J. T. Snow, escaping a mild jam, keeping the Giants off the board, and retiring the side.
1:25pm – All is not lost in the “Legends” department, as the Dodgers decide to do a favor for those of us who missed them earlier, and reintroduce the aforementioned “all the greats.” Steve Yeager, Ron Cey, and Steve Garvey come out to the Dodgers on-deck circle, and are presented to an appreciative crowd. Before leaving the field, Garvey pauses for an especially vigorous handshake with Dodger rookie Cesar Izturis, perhaps unsure if Izturis is a long lost Garvey child, the product of a long since forgotten Winter Carribean ball liaison.
1:27pm – Watching Giant pitcher Livan Hernandez on the mound, I’m convinced that the key to his success this year will be to keep his ERA lower than his weight.
1:28pm – Newly anointed Dodger center fielder and leadoff man Dave Roberts slaps a single. Hey, all right!
1:30pm – Roberts steals second base.
1:31pm – In a move which baffles the crowd, Izturis, batting second, turns his body to face the pitcher Hernandez, slides a hand up to the barrel of the bat, and makes contact with the ball, causing it to go twenty to thirty feet in front of the plate. It is only after Izturis is thrown out at first (advancing Roberts to third base) that we realize we’ve just seen what’s called a “bunt.” Slowly, a few old-timers in the stands start to spread the word: This is “fundamental baseball,” something that has been almost totally absent from Dodger Stadium for several years.
1:33pm – Izturis’ sacrifice is rewarded, when Paul LoDuca grounds out, scoring Roberts. Hey, it’s easy to score runs! Dodgers lead, 1-0.
1:35pm – Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Dodger legends Maury Wills and Manny Mota.
1:41pm – Uh oh. Brown gives up an RBI single … to Livan Hernandez. The portly pitcher helps his own cause, and the game is tied.
1:44pm – The first beach ball of the year bounces back and forth between Dodger and Giant fans on my level. Gah.
1:47pm – Nobody told Barry Bonds 2001 was over. He strokes a ball the other way, deep over the left field wall, to give the Giants a 5-1 lead. I guess Brown didn’t hear me shouting, “Be careful! This guy’s tough!” from my seat.
1:50pm – Annie Drysdale, nee Meyers, is introduced between innings, and it makes me miss her husband, the late Don Drysdale, who in addition to being a great pitcher was also a pretty fair radio broadcaster for the Dodgers. Miss you, Don.
1:51pm – On the scoreboard, they show a video of Dodger players, in uniform, earlier today, handing out merchandise coupons at selected entrances to the stadium. Sadly, I got here too early for that, and was denied the joy of being handed a 15 percent off certificate by Paul Quantrill.
1:53pm – During the off season, we traded All-Star and All-Attitude whiner Gary Sheffield to the Atlanta Braves. In return, we got a very nice player called Brian Jordan. Brian grounds out to third in his Dodger debut. Sheffield hits a homer for the Braves. Ah, life.
1:54pm – Fans in the right field pavilion try to start the “Wave.” It doesn’t take. It’s the bottom of the second inning, the Dodgers are down by four runs, and the fans are already looking for something else to do.
1:57pm – With Eric Karros at the plate, Adrian Beltre is thrown out trying to steal second. Down by four runs, why run? (Adrian will say in a post-game interview that he always has the green light to try to steal, unless the manager specifically gives him the “stop” sign.) While strategically questionable, it at least spares us the horror of watching Karros hit in to yet another double-play.
2:05pm – J. T. Snow breaks another bat, grounding out to Karros. Snow should have spent the off-season picking out better bats.
2:07pm – New Giant David Bell socks a homer, and it’s 6-1 Giants.
2:13pm – Cesar Izturis hustles on a grounder, and is called safe at first on a bang-bang play. Giant manager Dusty Baker hustles out to argue the call. Hey, Dusty? You’re leading by five runs, and the Dodgers, it appears, are no threat on this day. Save the arguing for either a really blown call, or a time when it really matters.
2:21pm – Another Dodger off-season acquisition, Omar Daal, starts warming up. Daal is the early favorite for the first annual “Gary Sheffield Memorial Sore Head” award. Daal was informed during the last week of spring training that he would be starting the season in the bullpen, and would move in to the starting rotation only if one of the current starters broke down. With two guys coming off of major surgery (Brown and Andy Ashby), a nervous Japanese league import (Kaz Ishii), a very young and inexperienced Braves cast off (Odalis Perez), and Hideo Nomo (‘nuff said) making up the Dodgers rotation, I would say Daal’s odds of seeing regular starting work were pretty good. Daal apparently saw things differently, and said he wanted to be traded if he wasn’t going to start. Way to be a team player, Omar! Instead, here on Opening Day, Daal is still a Dodger, and is being asked to pick up for Kevin Brown, who it seems is still recovering from his elbow surgery.
2:29pm – A fan in my row returns to his seat after a thirty-minute trip to get a hot dog. Apparently, they ran out of Dodger Dogs, and he had to wait until they found more and cooked ‘em up. Should have come early!
2:34pm – A nice sight: A father and five-year-old son return to their seats after their own concession jaunt. Both are wearing personalized Dodger jerseys, with the number 3 and what I assume to be their own name, Aguilar, on the back. Opening Day, father and son, matching jerseys … ah, baseball.
2:40pm – Have I spoken too soon about the lack of mass transit to Dodger Stadium? On the rotating roll of advertisements down the left and right field lines, I see an ad which says, “Kinkisharyo Light Rail Coming Soon: Next Stop, L.A.” Yeah, but coming soon to Dodger Stadium? Why would a light rail company buy signage space at the stadium? Hmm …
2:44pm – Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Tommy Davis, Johnny Podres, and Duke Snider! Ah, the Duke of Flatbush! Now we’re talking!
2:48pm – Ladies and Gentlemen (it was a quick inning), please welcome Tommy Lasorda! The crowd goes crazy, as it always does when Tommy is introduced, and Tommy, like he does with most things, eats it up.
3:06pm – It’s 7-2 Giants, and we’ve finished six innings. The guys sitting next to me bails, saying he’s got to get back to the office.
3:08pm – Barry Bonds hits a ball.
3:09pm – The ball lands somewhere near Pasadena. Home run number two for Barry. Will somebody please stop giving this guy pitches to hit!
3:17pm – Speaking of hit, Omar Daal hits the showers, and the Dodgers decide to give new closer Eric Gagne a test. Two on, seventh inning of a 9-2 game, but let’s see if Gagne can stop the bleeding.
3:21pm – Gagne gets a Giant to pop up, and the infield fly rule takes effect. I take great joy in knowing the infield fly rule, and that it applies in this situation.
3:23pm – Gagne puts out the fire, ending the inning without allowing a run! Hey, maybe this kid can close after all.
3:26pm – Time for the seventh-inning stretch, and that most American of Opening Day traditions, “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” Except that in a ham-handed attempt to continue to express remorse for the September 11th tragedy, the commissioner of baseball, Mr. Bud “Satan” Selig, has ordered the playing and singing of “God Bless America” instead. Opening Day, and we don’t get to sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame?” Very, very, very disappointing.
3:28pm – A slightly drunk female fan sitting behind me sees me taking notes, and insists on giving the following quote. “The Dodgers don’t realize it was Opening Day, thus the bad performance. I think Brownie had a hangnail.” When I ask for her name, so as to give proper attribution to this alcohol-enhanced analysis, she suddenly turns mute, then defensive, questioning my credentials as a writer. I agree that this probably won’t be published anywhere she’d see it, and leave her alone.
3:32pm – I am bopped in the back of the head by an errant beach ball. I hate beach balls. Watch the game, you beach ball bopping losers.
3:45pm – The warmth of Opening Day is giving way to a slightly chilly Opening Late Afternoon. Clouds are moving in, a wind is picking up, and it’s starting to get downright cold. It’s just like the Giants to bring their lousy weather with them.
3:47pm – They announce the attendance. 53,356 have paid to watch the Dodgers sleepwalk through this Giant beating.
3:48pm – The most tired guy in the ballpark? Probably the guy who has to keep opening the gate to the Dodger bullpen. Reliever Giovanni Carrera is the latest contestant on “Can Anybody Get The Giants Out?”
3:51pm – Another group of season ticket holders in my row decides to bail, and head back to their respective offices. I’m now alone among regulars, holding out hope that somehow, the Dodgers can mount a miraculous Opening Day comeback.
3:57pm – Who am I kidding? And with this being a work-day and all, the traffic is only going to get worse. I duck out before the ninth inning is over, and save myself thirty minutes of sitting in the parking lot trying to get out. Dodger futility is no more fun on the radio than in person. The Dodgers fall by a final of 9-2. I’m home before the Post Game show ends.
And another Opening Day is in the books …

Transmitted 02:05 AM PST | Link |

Tuesday, April 2, 2002
For Future Reference
You know, that stupid Fox Moon Landing Hoax show is still stuck in my craw. (Remember, it featured interviews with a bunch of half-wits and morons who, on the basis of their junior-high level understanding of science, have come to the conclusion that the entire Apollo program was nothing more than high-tech chicanery. They've apparently watched Capricorn One too many times.)
I heard someone again, just recently, who said, "Well, you know, we never did go to the moon! I saw that show ..."
Urrgggh. Yes, if you learn your science from the people who bring you Celebrity Boxing, you kind of get what you deserve.
For anyone who really doubts whether or not we actually sent humans to the Moon, and then returned them, feel free to visit NASA's response, a lovely site which explains things much better than I ever could.
Another fun website, Bad Astronomy, has put together an even more devestating rebuke of the whole "We didn't go to the Moon" argument.
After a day dedicated to fools, that is my "fight back with a healthy dose of skepticism" thought for the day. Maybe April 2nd should be declared "Common Sense Day."
Transmitted 01:37 AM PST | Link |

[Archive Index] [Main Index]