Dictum Ridiculum - March 2003

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Dictum Ridiculum: March 2003

Archived rants and raves from the main page of the Colin Campbell Network.

Monday, March 24, 2003
Credit Where Credit Is Due
There's a popular bit making the e-mail rounds, called Passed Over, Syria, China, Libya Form Axis of Just As Evil, and it's ostensibly written by John Cleese. While Cleese has written several tremendously funny things in his life, turns out, this isn't one of them.
(On a side note, I hope someday I write something funny enough that people will pass it around the world via e-mail, claiming it was written by a much more famous professional comic. Steve Martin would be nice. So, if someday, you see a well-written and erudite e-mail which is devastatingly funny about some topic of vast importance, and it's supposedly been written by Steve Martin, you and I will know the truth... )
It reminds me a bit of the whole "Kurt Vonnegut/Sunscreen" thing from a few years back. If nothing else, that incident, and this current Cleese misattribution should make clear there's a power in the 'net to shape and change "reality."
I never quite know what to do when someone sends me a forwarded e-mail that's a hoax. Sometimes, if the hoax is especially annoying, I'll do a quick Google search, find the facts, and send the pertinent links back to the mass e-mailer. But couldn't we all just do a quick Google ourselves, every time we get a message that says, "Forward this to everyone in your address book ..."??? I think it would end up saving us a whole lot of time.
(Please note: The "John Cleese" message in question does NOT qualify for this treatment, and I bear absolutely no ill will toward its sender. I just happened to read somewhere else on the web, probably Mark Evanier's fantastic News From Me 'blog, that Cleese wasn't the actual author, and thought I would share the knowledge.)
Transmitted 11:51 PM PST | Link |

Thursday, March 20, 2003
By Motherly Demand
My most beloved Dr. Mom called in again the other night, swearing that the full or full-ish moon is larger in the sky the lower it is, and that it gets smaller as it rises.
Dr. Mom's doctorate, fortunately, is not in science.
(Note: We love Dr. Mom more than anything in the entire world. Just so you know.)
NASA's website on what they call the Summer Moon Illusion explains this phenomenon quite nicely, and includes links to the most relevant research. Check it out, and expand your mind!!
Transmitted 01:05 AM PST | Link |

Tuesday, March 18, 2003
Thanks, Bush!
Of course, it was written more than two years ago, but when you read The Onion story titled Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over', you have to wonder ... who gave these guys a time machine? I mean, sweet mother of Jesus, they could not have been more right on.
Yay, Orange Alert! Yay, unchecked U.S. aggression!!
Transmitted 12:31 AM PST | Link |

Monday, March 17, 2003
The Final Countdown
As we get ready to wage war on Iraq, President Bush is going to be on all the networks, addressing the nation tonight at 8:00pm EST.
Or as NBC is calling it, a "very special episode of Fear Factor."
Transmitted 10:10 AM PST | Link |

Sunday, March 16, 2003
Thanks, Ralph!
I'm not quite as bitter as Charles Taylor appears to be in his open letter to Ralph Nader voters.
But I sure do agree with an awful lot of it.
On a related note, I'm happy to see the war with Iraq has claimed at least two victims. Thank God we must no longer suffer the indignity of "French" fries and "French" toast. "Freedom fries" just sounds better, and is more American!!! Yay, America!!!!!! We're the best of all the countries!!!!!!
Morons.
And, I'm glad to see we, as a culture, have started to disassemble the Dixie Chicks. Some reactionary idiots out there are actually referring to them as the "Vichy Chicks," following singer Natalie Maines use of the FIRST AMENDMENT TO THE CONSTITUTION. I know that when the First Amendment is actually used, reactionary assholes tend to get upset. ("I mean, I agree with the concept, but it doesn't really mean you can say all that stuff about the President ..." Uh, no, idiot, actually, it does.)
One especially progressive radio station even held a "chicken toss," encouraging listeners to come down and throw away all of their Dixie Chicks CD's and merchandise. What, a bonfire wasn't good enough for the Chicks? Why not simply have them arrested as enemy combatants, deny them basic civil rights, and ship them off to some island where they can't ever talk again? I mean, geez, are we serious about winning the war on terror ... uh, I mean, with Iraq, or not?
Actually, I was with the Chicks until I read they were backing off.
"As a concerned American citizen, I apologize ... because my remark was disrespectful," Maines said in a statement released on Friday. "I feel that whoever holds that office should be treated with the utmost respect."
Well, I'm sure Al Gore accepts your apology.
Transmitted 11:07 AM PST | Link |

Friday, March 7, 2003
Just the FAQs, Ma'am
It happens at least once a year. Toronto Maple Leafs enforcer Tie Domi goes nuts, gets in to a huge fight, and is suspended by the NHL.
Then, a very annoyed Maple Leafs fan gets on the web, doesn’t read my FAQ (especially the part about how I am not NHL Vice President of Operations and disciplinarian Colin Campbell), and sends me an irate e-mail.
Here, in all of its uncorrected glory, is this year’s version, sent in by irate Canadian Michelle Thomas:

Hello mr Campbell,
I found that your recent suspension of Tie Domi was simply ridiculous! He was speared and he is to sit back and do nothing?
Here is the statement.
At 18:37 of the third period, Domi was assessed a major penalty for fighting and game misconduct for delivering a punch to the face of Ottawa player Magnus Arvedson. I would have punched him too!
Come on now, for the good work that Domi has been doing concentrating on the game and not the fights, you got a give him credit for sticking up for himself. But instead you suspend him and cost him 31 some what thousand dollars of pay! He is a fan favorite/
This is not far, I find the calls in this season so bad, they give penalties for absolutely nothing! Don’t those ref’s have eyeballs?
What do u say to the thousands of fans who payed lots of money for the tickets to see domi on those 3 games now he will miss?
Its just not fair. Why don’t you concentrate on who aggravated this fight, not on Tie just because he is or should I say WAS a fighter!
Concerned, Mrs Thomas
Given the circumstances and the obvious passion in this letter, I did the only sensible thing I could. I e-mailed Mrs. Thomas back, thanking her for her comments, and informing her that due to her efforts, and the fact that Tie Domi was obviously a bad influence on the game of hockey and its fans, I would be increasing Domi’s suspension to seven games.
Well, I wanted to …
Transmitted 09:23 PM PST | Link |

Monday, March 3, 2003
A Little Bit of 03-03-03 Magic
Just in case you haven't yet seen The Psychic Flash Movie, it is very worth checking out. I'm not usually amazed, but this one had me scratching my head. So go on!
Transmitted 11:19 PM PST | Link |

Saturday, March 1, 2003
A New Month, A New Word
With apologies for getting so caught up in my new job that I haven't been able to update nearly as often as I would like, I offer the lexiconigraphical community my latest creation:
Amalgavixen.
"Yeah, she's got Jennifer Garner's pout, Britney Spears' midriff, and Avril Lavigne's spunk. She's a real amalgavixen."
Now, go play with my new word for a while. I promise, I'll be updating soon! After all, I've got a great Mickey Rooney story to tell ...
Transmitted 01:34 AM PST | Link |

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