Dictum Ridiculum - February 2005

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Dictum Ridiculum: February 2005

Archived rants and raves from the main page of the Colin Campbell Network.

Thursday, February 17, 2005
Looking for Lists?
Well, you can start with this list of the 100 Funniest Jokes of All Time.
And, if you're in the mood for something different, why not check out Box Office Mojo's list of the highest grossing comic book films? Frankly, I had no idea Josie and the Pussycats had done so poorly...
You're welcome!
Transmitted 01:22 AM PST | Link |

Monday, February 14, 2005
Happy Valentine's Day!
And here's today's Happy Dating Fun Thought™!
From CNN.com...
Katrina Bell, 27, had cleared security and was waiting with her sister to board a flight on Saturday morning when she discovered she was carrying a (butcher) knife. Bell had put the knife in her bag "just in case" before going on a blind date earlier that week, her sister and travel companion, Tikisha Bell Gowens, 30, said in The Sunday Star-Ledger of Newark.
You know, on the rare times when I do go on a blind date, I often find myself wondering, "Gosh, do you think she has a butcher knife in her purse?" It would be interesting to know if the blind date of Katrina Bell wondered the same thing... especially now that it turns out, he would have been right.
And that's today's Happy Dating Fun Thought!™ Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!!!
Transmitted 11:41 PM PST | Link |

Friday, February 11, 2005
Worst Headline of All Time
My candidate? This bad boy, over at Yahoo! News...
Actor Tom Sizemore Fails Drug Test with Fake Penis.
I don't wanna know about it. I don't wanna read about it. Oh hell, I have to...
During Thursday's proceedings, prosecutors told Judge Baretto that Sizemore failed three drug tests in three days, the first after he was caught using a fake penis sewn into his boxer shorts and filled with a clean urine sample kept warm by a heating pack.
Carney said the ruse was revealed when the temperature of the sample proved too cool to have come from Sizemore's body, and he was asked to remove his pants.
According to prosecutors, Sizemore had been caught once before trying to use a similar device, sold over the Internet under the brand name the Whizzinator, and had failed drug tests on at least five occasions.
How do you even... oh, dear God, never mind.
Hey, kids! Drugs are fun!
Transmitted 10:26 PM PST | Link |

Wednesday, February 9, 2005
How Do You Rank?
You'll spend at least five minutes entering in your name, your siblings' names, your best friends' names, and your old boy- or girlfriends' names in the Baby Name Wizard's NameVoyager. It's a cool applet which shows the progression of a given name's popularity over time.
Check it out!
Transmitted 02:18 PM PST | Link |

It Was So Popular Around the Holidays...
At least, around here, it was. That's why I'm happy to provide this link to Angry Alien Productions, creators of the original "It's a Wonderful Life Done in Thirty Seconds... By Bunnies." Oh, now there's a veritable plethora of movies from which to choose. So choose away! Maybe a half-minute lupinized version of Alien is just what you need to help cleanse the palate following some of the more distasteful Super Bowl ads.
Now (if you've been reading the comments to the below post), I have to go figure out how to explain "cojones" to Dr. Mom....
Transmitted 04:19 AM PST | Link |

Monday, February 7, 2005
Super Sunday Wrap-Up
Where has the year gone?
Yes, another Super Bowl has fluttered past us, leaving us again with only fleeting memories of the greatness that could have been (Donovan, baby, you and T.O. needed to work some last-minute magic!). Then again, there was the advertising, which in this post-Janet Jackson environment, seemed to … uh … what’s the word? Oh yes … suck.
Thanks for the load of sucky commercials, Janet’s breast!
On with the commentary:
-- I completely ignored the pregame festivities this year, instead enjoying afternoon sandwiches at the home of my brother and sister-in-law, who graciously opened their home and their hearts to host a three-day “birthday-palooza” on my behalf. Thanks, Mo and Lyd!
-- Well, I thought I ignored the pregame festivities, since I didn’t tune in until after 3:00pm. Silly me. Turns out, there still was much pre-gaming to be had, including a shot of game analyst Cris Collinsworth in the press booth which prompted my brother to say, “Ugh… too much botox.”
-- Actually, I enjoyed large parts of the Will Smith Show. Glad to see Big Willie Stylie was on the field, in the pre-taped intros, in the commercials for the fairly dreadful looking new movie Hitch…
-- Hey! How did the piano keep playing when Alicia Keys got up and started to sing "America the Beautiful"? And who decided to go “Ghost of Nat King Cole” with the Ray Charles video? Ladies and Gentlemen… Ray has left the building; leave him alone. Oh, and shilling his two latest CD’s after the video appearance? Yeah, that was exploitative.
-- Speaking of exploitation… The tribute to the “Greatest Generation?” Entirely appropriate on Veterans' Day. Probably right for the 4th of July. Not out of place on Memorial Day. Crazy to put it here before the Super Bowl… until you remember the Fox Network’s vested financial interest in the iconography of “American Soldiers Are Heroes Who Spread Liberty Around The World And Anyone Who Thinks Otherwise Is A Commie Bastard Who Should Be Shot.” It sells a lot of papers and drives viewers (and voters) to a hugely profitable “news” operation.
-- By the way, did they have to pay royalties to Tom Brokaw for using the phrase “The Greatest Generation”?
-- Funnier than most of the Super Bowl ads? The Fox 24 promo with the announcer voice guy. A+ for that one.
-- Why were there competing music cues (one playing on the air and a different one in the stadium) as the Patriots took the field? You’d think they could have used the two weeks of hype before the game to work out little details like this.
-- Oh, and Eagles? The next time they announce you for the Super Bowl, please run out to the field promptly. No one likes a delayed entry.
-- The McDonald's “Lincoln Fry” ad was met with boos in the living room I watched the game in, since it featured a dreaded “other auction site” and not eBay, the official auction site of the Colin Campbell network. Right, Morgan?
-- Did you notice how skewed President Bill Clinton’s tie was when he came out for the pre-game tribute to the military? Next time, Bill, have the cheerleader put it back in place. (Note: I love Bill. I kid Bill because I love Bill.)
-- As Fox intoned the places (and showed corresponding video) of the areas where American troops are busy Spreading Liberty™, I half expected it to continue this way: “Afghanistan… Iraq… Europe…. The Moon….” (complete with a shot of heretofore unknown Astro-Warriors militaristically saluting a flag planted in the lunar surface). Well, that's what I saw in my head, anyway.
-- Um, Tyler? Hey there, little buddy. Next time they ask you to “flip” a coin, you’re actually going to have to flip it. End over end… okay? Little Tyler’s “dead fish” style straight up and down non-flipping toss must have caused a heart palpitation or two in the NFL offices. Sudden thought: Did gamblers “get” to young Tyler? Was the fix in? A pre-game press release said most Americans bet “heads.” Tyler’s non-flip kept the coin “tails” all the way. You be the judge…
-- Oh, and memo to the people who think 2 Unlimited’s Get Ready For This still fires up people for a big event. KNOCK IT OFF! We’re already “ready” for this! Second most annoying “fire up” song: “Let’s get it started.” Yeah, we’ll get it started when YOU CALM DOWN!
-- Two years ago, it was the totally unnecessary NFL logo on the end zone goal post screens. This year’s version was the debut of the NFL logo on the officials’ hats. That just looked clunky, clumsy, and out of place. Officials’ hats are either black, or white… this ain’t baseball; no need for a big-ass logo on ‘em.
-- As for the game coverage, I don’t need the play clock counting down from :30 seconds all the time, but thanks anyway, Fox. The last :10 will do, if it looks like a play isn’t going to be run in time. On the other hand, I did like the graphic look of the new team logo “down and distance” arrow superimposed on the field.
Now, on the ads! Quick comments and a letter grade this year.
Bud Light, “Reluctant Skydiver”: An inauspicious start. But what do I know? USA Today readers loved this one the most out of all the Super Bowl ads. Which just goes to prove my longstanding theory about a correlation between USA Today and idiots. D.
Optix Contact Lenses: Creepy. C-.
Constantine: Already seen these scenes, and adding “in XX days” doesn’t make it a Super Bowl ad. C.
Diet Pepsi: “Pimp My Diddy”: A good ad, marked down only for over use of the played out Carson Daly. B.
LeBron James Endorses A Gum: What the??? D-.
Olympus M:Robe Thingy: I’m still not sure what it does, although it apparently superimposes your head on a CGI-enhanced dancer. B-.
The Pacifier: Any movie with a duck featured in the trailer can’t be all that bad. Can it? B-.
FedEx/Kinko’s, “Top Ten Super Bowl Commercial Ingredients”: Made both the brother and I laugh out loud. Note to Kinko’s – you were in the logo, but did the announcer say FedEx and Kinko’s? Or just FedEx? When you get left out of the voice over of your company’s big Super Bowl ad, you know where you stand. A-.
Bud Light, “Cedric the Entertainer is Annoyed by Beautiful Women”: Uh, yeah,
‘cause in beer commercials, women are always ugly at heart. Harpies, really. D.
Volvo, “We’ll Send You To Space”: Branson factor five! I did like the extreme small print disclaimer: “Virgin Galactic Flight is Subject to Availability.” Uh, that’s a pretty big condition, if you ask me. B-.
Diet Pepsi, “A Very Cute Guy Walks And Girls Stare At Him, Along With One Gay Guy”: Funny, and featured the best use of someone named Carson in a Diet Pepsi spot on Super Bowl Sunday. (That would be Queer Eye’s Carson Kressley.) B+.
GoDaddy.com, “Hearings”: There’s a fine line between parody and exploitation. If you thought this was a fine, fine parody, B+. If you thought it was just exploitive, D-. If you liked the commercial because the girl was cute, but you knew the whole thing was wrong… uh … how about a B-.
Bud Light, “Sharon”: An exchange of cell phone photos leads to another big laugh. Good dialogue, too, something that a lot of these commercials were missing. B+.
The Longest Yard: Rob Schneider reprises his Waterboy “You can do it!” line??? And that’s the funniest thing they can think to show us in the trailer for this remake???? D+.
McDonald's, “Lincoln Fry Continued”; Uh, yeah, we get it. B-.
VISA Check Card, “Heroes”: Kind of a waste. And we know that’s not “really” Spider-man’s voice, so it’s a cheat, as well. C+.
Ameriquest Mortgage, “Robbed”: This didn’t have to do anything with mortgage, but damn if Mo & I didn’t laugh, loud. A-.
Quiznos, “Baby Bob Is Still Alive, Still Creepy, and Still Pitching”: Dear God, kill it!!!! Let Baby Bob enjoy the eternal rest of oblivion he so richly deserves!!!! I actually would have preferred to see the return of the “We Love the Subs” spongmonkeys. F.
Hitch: Come to think of it, I actually would have preferred to see the “We Love the Subs” spongmonkeys to these painful Will Smith/Kevin James clips. C-.
MBNA, “Gladys Knight Plays Rugby”: Uh, no thanks. C.
Honda, “We Have A New Truck And A Completely Generic Truck Commercial With Which To Introduce It”: My title for this ad tells the tale. C-.
Budweiser, “Animals Try To Be A Part of an Ad You Barely Remember From Last Year”: Wow, they must really think we’re paying attention to their ads. C-.
Lays, “Throw it Back”: M.C. Hammer clinched it for me. Slow start, but builds to a very funny end. A-.
Subway, “Lovebirds”: Steaming up a car… with a sandwich! Get it???? C-.
Pepsi/ITunes: A little odd? Maybe? B-.
Be Cool: Morgan and I both looked at each other when John Travolta started dancing with Uma Thurman. And we both said, “Uh-oh…” C-.
Degree Antiperspirant, “Inaction Heroes”: What this had to do with the product, I have no idea. They just sweated away $2.4 million, though. C-.
Pepsi/ITunes #2, “But This Time We’ve Got Gwen Stefani”: Still, not working for me. B-.
Cadillac, “Car Revving in Tunnel”: Bang? Bore. D+.
CareerBuilder.com, “Monkeys #1”: Hey! That monkey had his butt on the copy machine! Monkeys are almost always funny! Almost… D+.
Taco Bell, “Card Collection”: Very, very pedestrian. C-.
Bud Light, “Annoying Bird”: It featured an annoying bird. Other reports call it a parrot; I thought it was more of a cockatiel. C-.
Batman Begins: I think this will be a better movie than the trailer indicated. I’m hoping they cut something they thought would appeal to a broad audience – jokey lines, etc. I’m hoping the movie is darker. And why does Batman on film always have to wear a big rubber suit??? B-.
Cosentino Silestone countertops: Who asked for the return of Dennis Rodman? I guess the rash on his gonads has finally healed. C-.
Michelob Amber Bock: “Rich, Not Smooth”: I would have liked this one more if there already weren’t about ten similar ads already in rotation, and nothing about this one screamed “special” or “Super Bowl” ad. So, it was a nice little ad, nothing more, nothing less. B-.
Heineken, “Brad Pitt is Thirsty for Beer”: Too many questions about who was on the other end of that phone for my comfort. Still, I liked it. Does that make me a bad person? B+.
Honda, “Hey, Remember That Truck From The Other Ad? Yes, We’re Still Flogging It”: Yes, these are still absolutely generic truck commercials. D+.
Olympus Digital Gadget Thingy #2: Well, at least the song title and artist of the music that played during this spot WAS actually on screen on the M:Robe gadget thingy at the start of the spot ("Jacques Your Body", by Les Rythmes Digitales). Still, the CGI dancing was creepy. B.
Tabasco, “Reverse Burn”: Only graded this high because the actress was ultra-cute. B-.
Robots: I don’t need a computer animated Robin Williams robot, but perhaps somebody does. C-.
Anheuser-Busch, “Salute to the Troops”: Now THIS, I’m sure was exploitative. It just felt really wrong. Is it me, or should patriotism, like religion, perhaps best be expressed privately? It is by me… and just as I don’t enjoy anyone flaunting their religion all up in my face, I don’t like being told to feel a certain way about our military. I SUPPORT THE TROOPS, okay? Who doesn’t???? But geez, lay off the “selling the beer with people clapping for soldiers,” okay? C-.
Napster, “You Do The Math”: It was my understanding there would be no math on Super Bowl Sunday. And they don’t tell you that when you stop paying the $15 a month, your songs evaporate from your hard disk. That’s right – with Napster, you’re not buying music, you’re buying the right to listen to a certain piece of music for a limited period of time. If that’s more valuable to you than a $.99 iTunes song you “own” and keep forever, then you, sir, have different values than I. D-.
Staples, “Easy Button”: Easy ad. Nothing special. B-.
Ameriquest, “Cat Slaughter”: Again, nothing to do with mortgage, but good for a solid laugh. B+.
CareerBuilder.com, “More Monkeys”: Yeah, we get it – monkeys are funny! All right, already… C-.
At this point, we had some ads wiped out by a Bay Area test of the Emergency Alert System. Seriously. Test tone and an “emergency alert” scroll for :60 seconds, as somewhere in the Bay Area, advertising executives jumped to their deaths over this travesty…Sadly, the test ended in time for…
Cialis, “We’re Still Giving America A Four-Hour Boner”: For f*&^’s sake, we get it already!! D-.
Verizon, “Mini Kid Rock, Mini Christina Aguilera, Mini Shaq”: “Mini” also describes my interest in watching video on my cell phone. But someone, somewhere must want to… C-.
Toyota, “Spinny Prius”: I didn’t really like the central gag, the whole “walking/driving in place” thing. And to paraphrase Paul Shaffer, if you don’t buy the gag, you don’t buy the bit. B-.
Budweiser Select: Low carb beer, very low frills ad. C-.
MasterCard, “Mascots”: Yeah, you licensed all those characters, but what did you do with them? Was that the best use of that many classic ad icons??? C+.
Emerald Nuts, “Child Abuse”: The world’s biggest asshole of a Dad eats Emerald Nuts; you should too! D-.
Bud Light, “Cedric the Designated Driver”: Unfunny. C-.
CareerBuilder.com, “Christ, We Rented All These Monkeys, We Better Make Three Similarly-Themed Commercials With Them”: This one actually featured a monkey kissing another monkey’s ass. Where’s the new morality when you need it? D+.
Sahara: I already didn’t see this movie when it was in theatres as “Flight of the Phoenix” and that really dumb Nicolas Cage one about the Declaration of Independence. C-.
If I left any ads out, sorry. I’ll try to get to them next year! And one more round of big thanks to Morgan for all the Cheetos, Doritos, and pizza I could handle. Thanks for toughing out the big game with me, bro!
Transmitted 01:58 AM PST | Link |

Friday, February 4, 2005
It's That Day Again...
You know, the day where people fuss, and hem, and haw over you... and the big "prize" is, you get to tack on another year to your age? And you realize... hey, if you look at "high school graduation" as the dividing line, the years are definitely stacking up on the "after high school" side of the equation. (It took 18 years to get a high school diploma. Now, we're talking about a 20th Reunion later this summer. Yikes!!!)
So yep, it's my birthday. Happy happy, to me! I'll be talking with friends, flying off to see family, and recharging my life (which has been a bit rough these last few weeks) with various celebrations and a visit to the Charles M. Schulz Museum. Membership has its privileges; the family's getting in free, on me!
Hope to return Monday with my annual Super Bowl Ad wrap-up, and I hope you'll be back here then! Have a Super weekend... I know I will.
Transmitted 02:50 AM PST | Link |

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