Dictum Ridiculum - February 2004

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Dictum Ridiculum: February 2004

Archived rants and raves from the main page of the Colin Campbell Network.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Scottish Theatre Review of the Day
Well, this isn't actually a review of Scottish theatre. It's a review, from Scotland, of British theatre -- namely the West End re-imagining of When Harry Met Sally, currently starring Luke Perry and TV's beloved Willow, Alyson Hannigan.
I really like Aly -- saw her play softball once against my KCAL co-workers, and she was absolutely adorable -- but I just had to link to this review from Scotsman.com. Writes critic Kate Copstick:
Luke Perry was - after opening scenes in which he made the average giant redwood look like Cary Grant - really not bad. Compared to Alyson Hannigan. At least on television, there is always the hope of a demonic slaying coming along to leaven the dough of Miss Hannigan’s performance. Not here, sadly. My grandmother is more genuinely engaging to watch than Alyson Hannigan. My grandmother died in 1989.

Other than that, how did you like the play, Miss Copstick?
Transmitted 11:48 PM PST | Link |

Let Me Get This "Straight"...
I'm not gay, nor am I married, and yet somehow, I find myself extremely UNtroubled by the concept of gay marriage.
On the other hand, our "President," George W. Bush, has been troubled for some time. And today, he came out in favor of the first ever Constitutional amendment which, if passed, would actually take away rights from American citizens. Somehow, given the work done by W's "Justice" Department, that seems only fitting.
I think it can be summed up pretty simply: George W. Bush apparently believes that, as the Declaration of Independence says, all men are created equal... but two men are not.
Today, Bush also railed against one of his favorite targets: activist judges! Yeah, I hate those guys, too! Especially when Federal judges ignore precedent, history, context, and common sense to interfere in state matters, like election law! That's so wrong!!
Oh, wait, that's how Bush became "president." So I guess "activist" judges are "good" if they help you, and "bad" if they help anyone else. Hip-hip... Hypocrisy!!
Boy, the election year calendar shows it's only February. What are these guys going to talk about when we get around to September? Maybe... issues that are actually important to the American people? A man can dream.
Transmitted 10:50 AM PST | Link |

Thursday, February 19, 2004
I'm Not Saying I Told You So...
A quick check of a previous 'blog entry shows I was right. Angie Everhart WAS the Celebrity Mole.
Now, if only having the ability to determine the identity of the Celebrity Mole was a useful and/or marketable skill...
Transmitted 12:42 AM PST | Link |

Sunday, February 8, 2004
Maybe You'll Laugh At This ...
McSweeney's presents a fairly amusing list, Quotes from Either President of the United States George W. Bush or Senator/Chancellor/Emperor Palpatine from the Star Wars Movies.
You might like it. I did.
Saw about thirty minutes of "President" Bush on Meet the Press today. As a country, we actually might be better off with Palpatine.
By the way, in case you were wondering (or channel-surfing to CNN's horrible "People in the News" show, like I was), Shania Twain's real first name is "Eileen." Now you know...
Transmitted 02:01 PM PST | Link |

Saturday, February 7, 2004
Oh Dear God It's Fun...
Yeah, I have no idea what the deal is with Penguin Baseball, but it's crazily addicting. Just try it once ... and kiss the next half hour goodbye.
Transmitted 05:49 PM PST | Link |

Thursday, February 5, 2004
TiVo and Nielsen Ratings
So I was talking with someone recently (and I can't remember for the life of me who it was!) about TiVo and if it was affiliated in any way with the Nielsen ratings.
Well, according to a story from Aaron Barnhart's TV Barn, cleverly titled Nielsen, TiVo strike a deal, they are now.
I hope this answers your question, mystery friend whose name has fallen in to the gap in my now one-year-older memory.
Yep, yesterday was my birthday. There's a crooked number now at the end of my age, and it's not very pretty. But I still say, adding another year on to my age beats the alternative.
And, for the record, Angie Everhart is the Celebrity Mole.
Transmitted 01:51 AM PST | Link |

Monday, February 2, 2004
Super Sunday 2004
Well, who knew the most exciting part of Super Sunday would turn out to be the game? For a long time, it looked like Justin Timberlake’s “wardrobe malfunction” would carry the day as the big story. (Apparently, Janet Jackson’s outfit wasn’t designed to withstand the stress of Timberlake’s understandably excited “grip it and rip it” technique as their halftime duet came to a climax).
No, the best part of Super Sunday was the game, even if it appeared to be a note-for-note replay of the Super Bowl from two years ago, right down to the late fourth quarter Ricky Proehl tying touchdown catch, followed by an Adam Vinatieri 40 yard+ game winning field goal. I had been rooting all day for overtime, and when it didn’t happen, I felt cheated. Oh, and congratulations, New England, whatever.
The Super Bowl started, as it has for some time now, with horrible technical issues afflicting the ham-handed mandate by the broadcast network covering the affair that their booth announcers should also do double duty as public address announcers for the introduction of the teams. This sounds great to network types, who love the idea of, in this case, Greg Gumbel firing up the in-stadium crowd. They’re forgetting one key fact: Gumbel has “fired up” exactly zero people in his lifetime.
What they should do, of course, is bring in a “Super Public Address Announcer” to do the team intros, but that would get in the way of all the screeching audio feedback that inevitably seems to result by having the booth guy do the stadium P.A. as well. This year, the gritty Bonnie Bernstein and Armen Keteyian (about whom I have a funny “Suddenly Susan”-related story; remind me to tell it to you sometime) also conducted on-field interviews right before the game which were piped over the stadium sound system. The results were predictable – a high-pitched whine that probably sounded somewhat familiar to Rosie Perez fans.
This year, joining me for my annual Super Bowl get together and soiree was the inimitable “Dave” (his real name, but in quotes because it makes it look like it’s not), who promptly threw out the first question of the afternoon – “Which Carolina is this?” A good question, “Dave,” one of many that went sadly unanswered during the 14-hour broadcast.
(NOTE: This question may have in fact been answered during hours 1 through 9.5 of the pre-game show, but I was at breakfast, then “Dave” and I watched some of my old show, the World Poker Tour on NBC, before switching over to the big game.)
Herewith, my annual review of Super Sunday:
--We start with the first of the day’s several missteps.
If you’ve read this website for any length of time, or know me at all, you know I’m a huge supporter of NASA, and our manned space program. Plus, I know today is the anniversary of the loss of Space Shuttle Columbia, and I know Houston is NASA’s company town. Still, there’s a time and a place for everything, and on the field, at the Super Bowl, while players were taking punting practice was NOT the right time for a tribute to Columbia’s brave crew. In this case, “simple” would have been much better. Twenty seconds of silence before the National Anthem, and we’re good. Please note, I’m just saying there certainly might have been a better time and place for a lengthier Columbia remembrance; just before kick-off and with players on the field working out was not the right time or place. The less said of poor Josh Groban, and the “inspiring” space suited astronaut treading on a faux lunar surface, the better. Josh did his best, and I appreciated his effort; I just think the whole thing was out of place.
--How did Beyonce Knowles get someone from the Joint Chiefs of Staff to escort her to the prom, I mean, the Super Bowl?
--Beyonce’s Star Spangled Banner? I could take it or leave it. I couldn’t help but think whoever first said “less is more” was really on to something, and that a dose of that philosophy would have been very welcome on this day.
--Re: Pizza Hut spot with Jessica Simpson hitting on Kermit the Frog: Uh, Kermit, I’ve got bad news – she’s married. Remember, she’s the star of a show called “Newlyweds?” This commercial perfectly illustrated what would become a recurring theme of the day: Never let logic get in the way of a perfectly bad premise. And what, Pizza Hut couldn’t afford Nick?
--Is it just me, or did Hall of Famer Don Maynard go to the same barber as Cesar Romero? (Don’s hair looked more than a little like Romero’s famed Joker hairdo of the ’60’s.)
--Ladies and Gentlemen, Y.A. Tittle! Who knew?
--During a pregame commercial for some car, the disclaimer at the bottom of the screen read “Clearly a professional driver on a closed course.” Clearly someone had fun writing that caption, and getting it on national TV.
--As for the halftime show, what the..??? Nice use of Jessica Simpson – bringing her all the way to Houston to shout one line at the start was, uh, awesome? Or stupid. Not sure which. Also, was there a political message here? Something like, “vote, you losers”? Yeah, that’s what I want from my Super Bowl halftime show: Celebrities calling me to civic duty.
--Did the “greatest hits” format make sense to anyone? Shouldn’t the Super Bowl be like the year’s biggest, coolest concert? For f’s sake, “Rhythm Nation” came out in the 1980s! And his name may be “Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid, Kid Rock!” but I say he is “plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayed, played out!”
Now, the commercials. This year, we’re switching formats a bit. On certain spots, I’ll be trying to reconstruct what went through the minds of the advertising folks who came up with some of this years’ better ideas. I’m proud to introduce this new segment, “The Pitch”! Enjoy!
(Also, please note, all commercial names are approximate; I have no idea what they called these commercials in-house, and have labeled them with names for sake of convenience only.)
COMMERCIAL: Bud Light, “Cock-biting Spaniel”
GRADE: D
THE PITCH: “All right, stay with me. Guys like beer, guys like dogs, but what guys really like is seeing another guy suffer a massive injury to the genitals. So, how ‘bout a dog that chomps a guy in the nuts to get his master the guy’s beer? Who’s with me??”
COMMENTS: Ugh. The first commercial of the Super Bowl proper, and it set a tone. Ball humor is in!
COMMERCIAL: Fed Ex, “Alien”
GRADE: B-
COMMENTS: Kinda’ yucky, escapes a “C” grade only for exiting employee’s “I got my eyes on you” gag.
COMMERCIAL: Dodge, “Monkey on Back”
GRADE: C
COMMENTS: Hah, hah, see, there’s a monkey, and monkeys are funny! For the most part, anyway…
COMMERCIAL: Pepsi, “Bears”
GRADE: B+
COMMENTS: Pretty okay, but got a little too “Country Bear Jamboree” at the end for my taste.
COMMERCIAL: AOL Top Speed, “American Choppers” (All three)
GRADE: B
COMMENTS: It’s a fun idea, but maybe there was one too many of these for one game? Then a repeat of the first one? Yikes.
COMMERCIAL: Bud Light, “Cedric’s Ball-o-Wax”
GRADE: D-
THE PITCH: “Okay, remember that genital pain in the dog biting spot? This is even worse. I think we should imply here that Cedric the Entertainer accidentally gets … wait for it … his testicles waxed! That’ll make people want to buy Bud Light, because when people think of intense testicular pain, they’ll think of us! Right? Who’s with me?”
COMMENTS: Blech!!!!
COMMERCIAL: H&R Block, “Willie Doll”
GRADE: B-
COMMENTS: Started funny, went on too long, covered too much ground, didn’t make fun of Willie (and his notorious tax problems) enough, and ended with … Zim??? What, they couldn’t get Pedro?
COMMERCIAL: Chevy Aveo, “Aveo”
GRADE: C
COMMENTS: Aveo? Ave-NO!
COMMERCIAL: Budweiser, “Castrated Ref”
GRADE: D
THE PITCH: “I’ve got a great idea for a gag about a man who is totally beaten down by his nagging wife. See, we start with his day job. He’s a referee, tuning out a coach who’s yelling at him. And the big reveal is that he’s developed that skill because his wife is a total harpy bitch! And, buy Budweiser, the end! What do you say?? Guys, sounds great, right??”
COMMENTS: Continuing our “ball” theme, this spot features an essentially castrated male. Oh, and if you drink, drink responsibly … and try to avoid putting any money in the pockets of these Budweiser idiots, please.
COMMERCIAL: Monster.com, “Dig”
GRADE: B-
COMMENTS: Uhh … whatever. Young, old, hip, jobs, dot com … whatever.
COMMERCIAL: Sierra Mist, “Bagpiper’s Icy Balls”
GRADE: D
THE PITCH: “Well, hi everyone, I’m Larry, I just finished up work on a series of spots for Budweiser and Bud Light. And I’ll be honest, they let me go because they felt my work was a little too … how shall I put this? “Ball-centric?” Anyhow, that’s not really important, just a little bit of my background. But it’s great to be here working for Sierra Mist! Now, the first spot I want to do involves a sweaty bagpiper, not wearing underwear, getting his testicles blasted with near-frozen C02. Who’s with me?”
COMMENTS: Good to see Larry is still getting work.
COMMERCIAL: Levitra, “Mike Ditka Hates Baseball”
GRADE: D
COMMENTS: Mike Ditka hates baseball, but he hates erectile dysfunction even more! Boing!!
COMMERCIAL: Budweiser, “Budweiser Donkey”
GRADE: B
COMMENTS: This had a chance, but somewhere toward the end, it just petered out. The donkey’s last line, “I must’ve said something right,” (to get accepted on the Clydesdale team) is indicative to me of lazy writing; don’t tell us he said something right and clever and cool – show us that moment! It’s what we’re waiting for! But I do give this spot some props; this is one of the few spots that featured a good character. Remember when character-based advertising used to be popular, especially with Budweiser? Frogs, lizards, Bud Bowl bottles – come home! All is forgiven.
COMMERCIAL: Pepsi, “Download This”
GRADE: B-
COMMENTS: Do “Son of Sam” laws, which prevent criminals from profiting from their crimes, apply to the young criminal teen here?
COMMERCIAL: Mitsubishi, “Get Yer Swerve On”
GRADE: D-
COMMENTS: Don’t tease us to go to your website, you losers. We expect full commercials, with a beginning, middle, and end on Super Sunday.
COMMERCIAL: Bud Light, “Gassy Horse”
GRADE: F
THE PITCH: “Hey guys, Larry’s on the phone. He says things aren’t working out over at Sierra Mist, and he’s learned his lesson about basing all his commercials on balls. He wants to come in and talk to us about a great idea he has featuring a farting horse. Book him for Tuesday?”
COMMENTS: If the image of a flatulent horse will actually influence your beer-buying decision, do us all a favor and kill yourself now.
COMMERCIAL: Philip Morris, “20%”
GRADE: D-
COMMENTS: The hypocrisy of the “We’re cigarette makers doing our duty to keep kids from trying our product, but the day you turn 18, you’re fair game for us to try to addict you” commercials just doesn’t work for me. One out of five kids smoke – and this commercial isn’t going to make that number go down.

COMMERCIAL: Charmin, “Fondle This”
GRADE: D+
COMMENTS: Oddly homoerotic, this paean to toilet paper. It’s not marked down for that, it’s marked down because it was stupid.
COMMERCIAL: Pepsi, “Givin’ ‘em the Biz”
GRADE: C-
COMMENTS: Brings back Biz Markie’s “Just A Friend,” and that’s the only thing keeping it from a D.
COMMERCIAL: IBM, “Linux Ali”
GRADE: B-
COMMENTS: This is apparently part of a larger campaign that I, thanks to the miracle of TiVo, have never seen. It kind of creeped me out, though. (Note: The first draft of this comment, removed for reasons of kindness but replicated here in the name of posterity, was: “Perfect. Now your computer can function just as well as Ali…” I decided that was too mean, but the mean among you may enjoy it.)
COMMERCIAL: VISA, “Snow Volleyball”
GRADE: B-
COMMENTS: Hot girls, cold weather, shameless Olympic sponsorship whoring … nothing to do with VISA. Were those real Olympians? Showing only their first names made me think not.
COMMERCIAL: Chevy, “Holy Sh*t”
GRADE: C-
COMMENTS: The car so cool, it’ll make kids curse! Buy one today!
COMMERCIAL: Lays, “Senior Abuse”
GRADE: C-
COMMENTS: He’s got the chips, she’s got the teeth, and I’ve got a queasy feeling in my stomach that says I never want to eat potato chips again.
COMMERCIAL: Microsoft, “Potential”
GRADE: B-
COMMENTS: The kids may have it; this spot didn’t.
COMMERCIAL: Sierra Mist, “Cannonballs”
GRADE: C-
COMMENTS: Unfunny.
COMMERCIAL: Expedia, “Stage Show”
GRADE: B
COMMENTS: Funny; most from this series are good for at least a small chuckle, and this one proved no exception.
COMMERCIAL: Bud Light, “Monkey Player”
GRADE: D-
THE PITCH: “You know what would be really funny? What if monkeys could talk? And if there was this monkey that was a bit of a Ron Jeremy, swinger type? Like, he’s hitting on this girl, and he doesn’t even realize, she’s way out of his species? Yeah, oh, and buy Bud Light!”
COMMENTS: Monkeys are funny. A monkey wanting to get it on with a cute Teri Hatcher-type is not funny.
COMMERCIAL: Staples, “Randy”
GRADE: B+
COMMENTS: Funny! I only cringe when I think of the inevitable calls for condemnation by various anti-Mafia Italian-American groups. Note to these groups: No one is saying that ALL Italian-Americans are “connected,” just that this made-up guy was, and it was a joke.
COMMERCIAL: Cialis, “Do It Longer”
GRADE: D
COMMENTS: Contained my favorite line of the afternoon: “Erections lasting longer than four hours, though rare, require immediate medical help.” Well, they may be rare for you… Also, they require immediate Barry White.
COMMERCIAL: Monster.com, “Love”
GRADE: B-
COMMENTS: Not liking the Monster.
COMMERCIAL: Gillette, “The Best”
GRADE: D
COMMENTS: If shaving with the Mach 3 Turbo makes your life that cool, then how come I do, and mine isn’t?
COMMERCIAL: Cadillac, “Water Cars”
GRADE: B-
COMMENTS: Too “special-effect-y” to really be good.
COMMERCIAL: Budweiser, “Lipstick Car Chase”
GRADE:C-
COMMENTS: It wasn’t totally insulting to my intelligence, and on that criteria alone, it must be judged head and shoulders above the day’s other beer commercial offerings (except the donkey).
COMMERCIAL: Budweiser, “Designated Driver”
GRADE: D-
COMMENTS: Yeah, duh.
COMMERCIAL: Honda Pilot, “Wolves”
GRADE: C-
COMMENTS: Not liking “Wolf man,” and found myself longing for Van Helsing to show up.
COMMERCIAL: Master Card, “Simpsons”
GRADE: B
COMMENTS: Matt Groening has sold out Homer and company more times than I can count, but he must always insist on some degree of creative control, because Simpsons spots invariably capture the feel and humor of the show.
COMMERCIAL: Nextel, “NASCAR Handoff”
GRADE: B-
COMMENTS: Not really for me, but I appreciated the effort.
COMMERCIAL: Budweiser, “We Card”
GRADE: F
COMMENTS: Since Budweiser has absolutely no law enforcement powers, and since they financially benefit when people buy their product, no matter what age the purchaser is, it’s tough to take an ad seriously that says, “Hey, kids, don’t buy our product!” You can almost see the wink. Ugh.
COMMERCIAL: The Truth, “Shards of Glass”
GRADE: A-
COMMENTS: Yes, there really is a website at www.shardsoglass.com. And yes, this spot-on anti-smoking parody was probably the best of Super Sunday, in my book.
COMMERCIAL: 7-Up, “Slam Dunk”
GRADE: B
COMMENTS: Slapstick, but it works for me.
COMMERCIAL: White House Office of National Drug Control Policy, “Jessica”
GRADE: D-
COMMENTS: Good to see the Feds still think scare stories during the Super Bowl will keep the kids off the reefer. Do these campaigns really work? Here’s the answer, from an alternet.org story:
The report by the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) – part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services – was conducted jointly by the Annenberg School of Communications at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia and Westat, a 30-year-old research firm in Rockville, Md. It covered anti-drug advertising campaigns conducted between September 1999 and June 2003 and recognized that "there is little evidence of direct favorable [advertising] campaign effects on youth."
Great, our tax dollars, not at work.
COMMERCIAL: Cadillac, “Silent SRX”
GRADE: C-
COMMENTS: It’s never good when a commercial goes for fifteen seconds of what you think is a technical malfunction. The “clever” factor of the sound catching up to the car didn’t work for me.
COMMERCIAL: Pepsi, “Jimi”
GRADE: D-
COMMENTS: Please. Jimi Hendrix chose Pepsi over Coke, and the rest was history? So let me get this straight: Pepsi thinks making up a story about how someone “cool” once chose Pepsi over Coke will help make me choose Pepsi over Coke? I’ve got a better idea. How about I just think Pepsi is a total tool for thinking I’m that stupid? Would that be okay?
COMMERCIAL: AIG, “Football Insurance”
GRADE: D
COMMENTS: What th’? All those lines made me dizzy.
COMMERCIAL: Subway, “Don’t Be Bad”
GRADE: C-
COMMENTS: Subway -- Why you gotta harsh on Wang Chung???
SUPER MOVIE PREVIEWS, SUPER SHORT REVIEWS:
Van Helsing: Too “LGX”
Troy: A Pitt full of Trojans? Sure.
50 First Dates: Didn’t Adam and Drew already…?
Miracle: Hockey! Yay.
Alamo: Epic! Troubled?
Starsky & Hutch: Uh-oh…
Secret Window: “This film is not yet good.”
Hidalgo: Viggo!
The Ladykillers: Probably not.
Finally, a big congratulations to all the folks out there who had Patriots 4, Panthers 0 in your office “squares” game. You took two of the quarters (halftime and third)! Don’t spend it all in one place.
Transmitted 01:34 AM PST | Link |

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