Dictum Ridiculum - January 2002

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Dictum Ridiculum: January 2002

Archived rants and raves from the main page of the Colin Campbell Network.

Tuesday, January 29, 2002
Hockey Near Anagrams
My L.A. Kings season ticket partner Leslie and I have a fun game, called "Hockey Near Anagrams." It's pretty simple; we take the names of hockey players, and figure out what their names almost spell.
For example, Edmonton Oilers defenseman "Janne Niinimaa" = "I Need An Enema"
It's fun, and you can play along! Use the "comments" link to post your faves.
Yes, I have NHL All-Star Game fever, why do you ask? Oh, that's right, because I'M GOING TO THE ALL-STAR GAME. (Big dorky hockey smile.) Full reports from All-Star weekend to come, I promise.

Transmitted 04:50 PM PST | Link |

And This Is Your Universe
You've probably seen the famous Horsehead Nebula before, but man, I never get tired of looking at it. Neither should you.
Now, there's a new photo of it that's just breathtaking. If you just want the photo, not the story, click here.
Transmitted 01:27 AM PST | Link |

The Simple Way To Go Broke
According to my latest bank statement, my (for security reasons) unnamed major bank is going to start charging me one dollar every time I check my balance from some other bank's ATM.
This means that, theoretically, if I check my balance often enough, I'll run out of money.
And that is your Zen banking thought for the day.
Transmitted 01:11 AM PST | Link |

Sunday, January 27, 2002
Only In Los Angeles: OUTATIME
So, I'm pulling out of my garage today, a rainy Sunday in Los Angeles, with a friend from out-of-town in the passenger seat. I’m trying to show off some of the best, most fun celebrity things in my neighborhood, and we’re headed to do drive-bys at Bob Hope’s house, and the exterior of the home that was used for The Brady Bunch.
That's when a fully-modified, Mr. Fusion-equipped DeLorean time machine passed in front of us.
Yep, Doc Brown's time machine from the Back to the Future films, running down Moorpark Street here in Studio City. Obviously, there was a disturbance in the space-time continuum, centered in nearby Toluca Lake.
So, naturally, we followed it.
I’m sorry to report that neither Doc Brown nor Marty McFly (nor, thankfully, Biff Tannen) emerged when the car had finally reached its destination. And that destination was an auto-body repair shop right around the corner from my house ... and just up the street from Universal Studios, where the thing is probably used as a prop.
On the other hand ... why would they need to repair a DeLorean? Are they about to start filming something which will need the car – I mean, time machine – to function on the street? This car was not street legal; it had the fake personalized “OUTATIME” California license plate. Hmm ... Fun questions to ponder, and another chapter added to the "Only in LA" files.

Seen on the streets of Studio City ... the real thing, not a model!

Transmitted 09:56 PM PST | Link |

Friday, January 25, 2002
Who's Doing Who (Or Whom) A Favor?
So, I get my California Department of Motor Vehicles auto registration thing in the mail yesterday, and I'm excited to see that I "am eligible to renew my registration on the Internet!" Well, sure, great, fun, easy, convenient ... everything the Internet is supposed to be.
Except for the fact that, in exchange for me using this simple, easy, convenient method of renewal, they want to charge me an extra four dollars. A "convenience fee," they call it.
Now, wait a minute.
Isn't it going to be a whole lot easier for them if I renew online? They don't have to hire someone to open my envelope, look at my check, sort out my renewal paperwork, etc. You'd think they'd pass the savings on to me. But no ... I have to pay to make things easier for them.
Attention, Gray Davis: No thanks. Have fun opening the envelope. Enjoy sorting the paperwork. And, State of California? Don't go all TicketMaster on me. "Convenience fees" are NOT convenient, nor do they particularly make me want to use your service.
Transmitted 10:51 AM PST | Link |

Tuesday, January 22, 2002
It's Wrong In So Many Ways ...
... but I couldn't stop laughing at the Leonard Nimoy Should Eat More Salsa Foundation World Headquarters. Maybe it's the doctored photo. Maybe it's the idea that there's someone out there in cyber-space with more time to waste on their website than me. In case you're wondering what their mission is, it's summed up on the site thusly:
"We here at the LNSEMSF believe that Leonard Nimoy is excellent, and salsa is excellent, and if Leonard Nimoy would eat more salsa, he would become an unstoppable force of excellence."
Oh, sure, now you want to visit! Go ahead.
Transmitted 08:01 PM PST | Link |

Monday, January 21, 2002
I Think I’ll Have Bigger Problems To Deal With ...
Eventually, we all have to take those halting, colt-like steps toward adulthood, and for me, that meant finally getting renter’s insurance. Yes, my TiVo is now covered in the event something bad happens, along with the computer, CD’s, books, scripts, etc.
So, I’m checking the fine print in my brand new renter’s insurance policy, when I come across these comforting lines:
“WHAT LOSSES ARE NOT COVERED:
We do not cover any loss ... that is caused by WAR, including undeclared war, civil war, insurrection, rebellion, revolution, warlike act by a military force or military personnel, destruction or seizure or use for a military purpose, including any consequence of any of these. Discharge of a nuclear weapon shall be deemed a warlike act even if accidental.”
Well, then, what’s the point of getting insurance?
First off, is an “undeclared war” really a war? Or is this just a weasely insurance way of covering all the bases? I mean, a war is either declared or undeclared, right? There’s no “sorta declared” war.
As for civil war, well, I have this image of Confederate Soldiers streaming down Ventura Boulevard, muskets in hand ...
It’s good to know that even the accidental discharge of a nuclear weapon shall be deemed a warlike act. If a nuclear weapon goes off anywhere near my house, I guarantee you, getting my CD’s replaced is going to be the last thing on my mind. (My policy goes on to say that any form of nuclear hazard is not covered. So, attention, Jihad: No “dirty bombs.” I won’t be able to replace my DVD’s if you do.)

Transmitted 02:08 PM PST | Link |

Sunday, January 20, 2002
It's Hard To Take Them Seriously
The Golden Globes, that is. I mean, really, what can you say about an organization (the Hollywood Foreign Press Association) who year after year demonstrates they don't know jack about movies and TV?
Will everyone PLEASE get over Sex And The City? A good show? Yes. A funny show? Sometimes ... not often when I watch, but apparently the other episodes are hilarious comedy riots, because this show keeps winning "Best Comedy" awards. (And, note to Sarah Jessica Parker -- thank you for dropping your tired "I can't believe I won!" routine which had become almost as much a part of the Globes as the allegedly "spontaneous wackiness" for which this awards show is known.)
As for some of the other awards, it's good to know the best comedic actor working in television today is ... Charlie Sheen?
And our best supporting dramatic actress is ... Jennifer Connelly, that girl from The Rocketeer and Career Opportunities?
And our best writer is ... Akiva Goldsman, the guy responsible for writing two of the worst films ever made in the 1990's, Lost in Space and Batman and Robin? (I still have nightmares where the villains chasing me are using exclusively snippets of allegedly "witty" dialogue from Goldman films.)
But isn't that what Hollywood is all about? Second chances? The opportunity to leave your real work behind, and start all over? You're only as good as your last picture, right? And apparently, A Beautiful Mind is really, really good.
Or, at least, that's what the Hollywood Foreign Press Association thinks. Make of that what you will.
But the big question of the night: Where was Liz Taylor???
Transmitted 11:52 PM PST | Link |

Saturday, January 19, 2002
That Was More Than Enough of That
And, from the "justly cancelled" file, NBC has pulled the plug on the truly hideous Hank Azaria show, Imagine That. Hey, NBC? Now how about giving us the Olympics live on the West Coast?
Transmitted 01:19 AM PST | Link |

Thursday, January 17, 2002
A Bit of Bad TV News
So, FOX cancelled The Tick.
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
This goes back to my theory of network television programming: Don't cancel a program unless you can replace it with something that either is of higher quality, or will draw higher ratings -- preferably both. There's nothing FOX can put on that will be "better," because The Tick is, empirically, a damn funny show that should be exactly the kind of comedy FOX specializes in. And, call me crazy, but I don't think America is going to go crazy for crap like The Chamber. (Although I have been wrong before ... plenty of times. You know what they say about underestimating the taste of the American public.)
So, that leaves Undeclared hanging by a thread. Let's use that FOX address (see past entry, A Bit of Good TV News), people, to make sure this very cool show makes it back for season two.

Transmitted 03:13 PM PST | Link |

Wednesday, January 16, 2002
Star Trek Conventions ... The Final Frontier
I'm not saying the stars of UPN's new Star Trek show, Enterprise, are new to the whole "being celebrities" thing, but this convention report on Dominic Keating's official website actually refers to him as a "flamboyant drama queen." His own website! You've got to love that.
Actually, all of Dominic's site is rather low-tech, and looks like it was put together by a couple of mawkish high-school students circa 1996. I find it somewhat charming, actually. I mean, it's still kind of cool that an actor on a high-profile show has such a direct link to his fans (Dominic has endorsed the site, and written things for it).
Still, though, there's no comparison with the best current Trek actor related site, WilWheaton.net. Who knew Wesley Crusher would turn out to be the electronic civil rights fighter/alt. rocker/computer programmer that he is? He's come so far full circle, he's actually going to be in the next Star Trek film. Good for Wil, I say.
And that is what I'm surfing this morning ...
Transmitted 11:13 AM PST | Link |

Tuesday, January 15, 2002
I Feel Like We're Growing Apart ... I Mean, As A Universe
Astronomers Still 'Clueless' About Mystery Force Pushing Galaxies Apart makes me realize, hey, I think I've got problems? The ever-expanding and possibly never-stopping universe has a problem! My stuff? Very manageable in comparison.
Transmitted 04:54 PM PST | Link |

Celebrity Plane Things
Do you want to be on a plane with a celebrity? On the one hand, if the plane goes down, the crash will forever be known as "The [Insert Celebrity Name Here] Plane Crash." On the other, maybe it's better that your plane crash has a little pizazz to it, a little something to differentiate it from other, more pedestrian (yet, it should be understood, equally tragic) crashes.
Anyhow, I am happy to report that sleight-of-hand master and actor Ricky Jay and I both arrived at our destination safely. Ricky can do things with a deck of cards that are illegal in most states. He sat down at the terminal right behind a couple who were so engrossed in a game of Rummy, they didn't bother to look up. I mentally tried to urge them to hand over their deck, and ask Ricky to do his thing, but to no avail. (Note: I would never ask a magician, in public, "Hey, could you do a trick?" But I was hoping these rubes would, so I could watch.)
This was my first flight since That Day In September Of 2001. I was surprised only by the number of people I saw carrying rather large and frightening-looking machine guns. I left my very small pocket knife at home, took no baseball bats with me (as, strangely, I had transported a genuine Louisville Slugger on my last flight, pre-TDISO2001), and had no problems.

Transmitted 04:38 PM PST | Link |

Monday, January 14, 2002
A Great Gag Deserves Great Headlines
So Kinda' President Bush choked on a pretzel and passed out.
In response, the FBI has added "Mr. Salty" to the "10 Most Wanted List."

Snack food or Taliban tool? You be the judge ...
Transmitted 04:48 PM PST | Link |

Friday, January 11, 2002
Great Headlines Deserve A Great Gag
Yahoo News/Associated Press has the following headline up now:
Greenspan to Describe Economy
I picture: A packed Senate hearing room. Alan Greenspan walks in, thousands of flashbulbs burst. Greenspan sits down, leans in to the microphone, and yells, "IT SUCKS!" He then gets back up and walks out. More flashbulbs and general murmur.
Well, that would certainly make it a lot more fun. Or is this the kind of thing that only I think is funny, and then only because it's 3:00am and my brain is slightly muddled from watching the Survivor: Africa finale? More on that after I get some sleep ...
Transmitted 03:03 AM PST | Link |

Thursday, January 10, 2002
A Bit of Good TV News
Well, NBC, the people who think we here on the West Coast are going to want to watch ANOTHER tape delayed Olympics (this one in the remote, far-off land of Utah) have announced today that they're renewing Scrubs for a second season.
This makes me happy. One down, two to go.
Another comment elsewhere on the site asks, "What can we do to help make sure The Tick gets renewed, as well?" Glad you asked. The very cool Judd Apatow college show Undeclared needs your support as well, and the same contact info applies.
Get those cards and letters (and e-mails) off to:
Gail Berman, President
Fox Broadcasting Company
P.O. Box 900
Beverly Hills, California 90213
U.S.A.
email: askfox@foxinc.com
So now you know!

Transmitted 03:08 PM PST | Link |

Wednesday, January 9, 2002
The Bitter Taste of a Final Nog
When I saw all those cartons still there in my local Ralph's market dairy case, I thought it might still be good. See, it had a "January 11th" expiration date on the side. So I thought, why not? Why not grab that one last carton of holiday egg nog, now on sale for about half-off with a Ralph's club card?
Bad idea.
Egg nog is not a January drink. No matter how much I hoped or wished, this was definitely bad nog. And yes, it left a bitter noggy taste in my mouth that it will probably take until next holiday season to overcome.
Remind me to post my recipe for a "noggy fizz" here sometime ...
Transmitted 03:05 PM PST | Link |

Ways To Ensure I'll Never Watch "Friends" Again
Attention, NBC/Warner Bros./Bright-Kaufman-Crane: It's simple to make sure I'll never have any interest in watching Friends again! Just follow these steps.
1) Continue to experiment with hooking up various combinations of Friends in various romantic entanglements. Joey/Rachel is a perfect example of something I have no interest in seeing.
2) Promote the pairing as a "special episode," making heavy use of sappy Enya music.
3) Sit back and watch me change the channel, devoting my time to better, more creative comedies like The Tick, Scrubs, and Undeclared.
Please don't make another season of Friends. It has long outlived its freshness. But maybe it's just me. The ratings are up, and we know if something is popular, it must be good, right?
On the other hand, I'm not kidding about those three other shows. People, they must be supported at all costs. TV would be a lot less fun without the goofy superheroics of The Tick. I've been consistently surprised by Scrubs, and every time I've watched Undeclared, I've made a vow to watch more. I predict only one of these shows will make it to a second season, which is a shame, because all three are more fun, more creative, and more worth your time than Friends or that horrible Hank Azaria show I watched last night. What, the show sucked? Imagine That!
Transmitted 12:10 PM PST | Link |

Monday, January 7, 2002
Happy Birthday, Brother!
What's the point of having your own webpage if you can't give a birthday shout-out to your own brother? As an interesting side note (well, interesting to my brother and I), we now begin the "Neptune is further than Pluto" phase of the year, where my baby brother is only two years younger than me, rather than his normal three. (You know that Pluto isn't always the furthest planet, right? Sometimes, for a relatively short period, its orbit swings inside Neptune. Well, you know now ...) In a month, I'll reassert my three year lead, but for now, happy birthday, and get well wishes to my flu-bedded brother. Morgan, you're the best, the greatest, the most supportive and most loving brother anyone could ever wish for. Happy Birthday!!!

Birthday Boy Morgan Campbell and
Fantastic Wife Lydia

Transmitted 12:30 AM PST | Link |

Things I Will Never Eat
I’m sorry, Taco Bell, but you’ll never be able to sell me a “Grilled Stuft Burrito.” I have no idea what “Stuft” is, and I certainly don’t want you to do it to my burrito.
As a matter of fact, I try to steer clear of deliberately misspelled things in all walks of life. I don’t like rewarding illiteracy. For example, trying to sell me a “donut?” Try again ... with the correct “doughnut” spelling.
And forget about Cheez Whiz. For the most part, companies change the name of a product when it actually isn’t the product you think it is, just a near substitute. It’s not cheese, it’s “cheez.” Jeez, whiz. Another, less extreme example: For many years, McDonald’s sold “shakes,” not milkshakes, because whatever that goop was they were putting in there wasn’t milk.
Which makes me all the more concerned about OREO Double Stuf cookies. (The formal name: OREO Double Stuf Chocolate Sandwich Cookies. Now you know.) Uh, “Stuf?” Why use this deliberate misspelling of “stuff?” Is there not real “stuff” in a Double Stuf OREO? Is there something Nabisco wants to tell us, other than the fact that the “Stuf” is basically Crisco and sugar?
Maybe we’re all better off not knowing.

Transmitted 12:21 AM PST | Link |

Sunday, January 6, 2002
Do They Know 'N Sync Is In It?
Continuing their quest to make Trekkers look normal by comparison, members of the Seattle Star Wars Society have already begun standing in line to see Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones.
And yes, 'N Sync is really in it. (Uh, the movie. Not the line.)
Finally, George Lucas's plan to add increasingly annoying characters to each film of the trilogy is becoming clear. It started with Jar-Jar. It continues with Justin and JC, and Joey. Episode III? Probably will star Carrot Top.
Will somebody please tell George to pull his head out of a tauntaun's ass? I assume that's where it must be, because if he thinks this is a good idea, there's no hope left for the franchise.
*Sigh.* I'll probably still see it opening day.
Transmitted 01:49 AM PST | Link |

Friday, January 4, 2002
A More-than-Slightly Disturbing Product
I see where McDonald’s wants to sell you something called a “Johnsonville Bratwurst.” Call me crazy, but I don’t want to eat anything sausage-shaped that comes from “Johnsonville.” That's just common sense.
Transmitted 12:21 AM PST | Link |

Tuesday, January 1, 2002
Dropping the Ball ... In A Good Way!
Well, it was spectacular. Xtina, Frank and Colin’s 9th Annual New Year’s Eve Ball Drop in Downtown San Luis Obispo was a raging success. The threat of light rain evaporated, leaving the town shrouded in a dense low-level fog. That only made this year’s laser light spectacular all the more colorful.
Well, kind of.
In fact, things got off to a bit of a rocky start, when it was discovered (at about 10:45pm) that the rather smallish disco ball that has been the centerpiece of past celebrations was nowhere to be found. This probably has something to do with the fact that we tricked the ball out pretty good for last year’s “Real Millennium” celebration, adding a layer of lights and a sign that drew oohs and ahs from the assembled throng.
So, with the regular ball AWOL, we switched to Plan B – a “Hippity-Hop” children’s ball, complete with its own handle. Wrapped first in aluminum foil, then a layer of plastic wrap, we then used the ever-handy electrician’s tape to spell out “’02” on the side. This ball was much bigger than the usual ball, and sent us veering dangerously toward legitimacy. As previously noted, we’re all about understatement, irony, and anti-climax. But none of that was to be had this year.
At the appointed hour, Frank lowered the ball. It disappeared behind some trees, as usual, then went plummeting to the ground right on schedule, bouncing just as the New Year hit.
Below, there are links to photos from the night, snapped by ace photographer and Frank’s wife Xtina, who, as she will be happy to tell you, is the real person responsible for this activity. Don't believe me? Just ask her sometime ... :)
As you can see, the assembled masses almost overran the pre-arranged viewing area. That’s probably due to the drum Frank’s friend Dan brought. It was another first – an actual drum roll as the ball lowered. We told Dan to bring a cymbal next year, too.
So where will you be to ring in 2003? It’ll be the 10th Annual Ball Drop … and I can hardly wait. Thanks to everyone who came this year, all 40 of you, and a special thanks to a certain first-timer who made a special effort to be there. It was much, much appreciated … and a lot of fun.
Here's the photographic proof, in handy, new pop-up windows.
Two boys and their ball. (Ahem.)
Assembled spectators. Not everyone here is related to Frank and Colin. Wow!
The ball has landed. No one was injured. Fun was had by all.
And yes, next year, we're getting a flash for the camera.
Transmitted 11:07 PM PST | Link |

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