Dear Postmaster,
North Hollywood, CA

Well, it’s time once again to probe one of the mysteries of the universe.

No, I’m not talking about quantum super-string theory, or “missing matter,” nor even the rather remarkable developments in the field of muon particle detection.

I’m talking about my mail.

Now, granted, you may think that my mail is not on par with the previously mentioned mysteries of the universe.  After all, my mail arrives rather regularly, semi-reliably, and generally, in good condition.

But a couple of things have come to my attention recently, and I’d like to share them with you.

First off, as I’m sure you know, I moved.  Back in October.  Remember, I sent you a card, so you’d make sure my mail caught up with me?  Even today, I still get a couple of pieces a week with that comforting yellow “forwarded mail” sticker on them.  But I certainly didn’t enjoy receiving a bulk delivery in mid-January, of mail dating back to late October and mid-November, which had apparently been in some form of “mail limbo.”  I know that to you, this collection of insurance statements, telephone bills, Dodger season ticket renewal notices and the like may have seemed innocuous.  But it was an important stack, nonetheless, and I can’t help but wonder where it was for eight weeks.  (Perhaps this is tinged with a bit of jealously; while I did enjoy my holiday vacation, I can only imagine my collection of bills and letters jetting off on a much more exotic and fun set of travels.)

Secondly, and here we come to more serious and ongoing problem, I wish to register a complaint.

I work for a news media outlet.  (Those of you who know where I work, stop laughing.)  When I arrive at the office on Monday morning, around 9:00am (again, stop laughing), invariably we are in possession of the current, new editions of the two most popular newsmagazines in America, Time and Newsweek.

As I am a home subscriber to both, I often look forward to reading them when I return from my day at the office.  But, invariably, and this has been a pattern for at least two months now, I receive only one of them in home mailbox on Monday.  The other comes on Tuesday.  Some weeks, Time wins the race, forcing Newsweek to the Silver Medal spot on Tuesdays.  Other weeks, the Conventional Wisdom watch, and other Newsweek features, get the big Monday up arrow, leaving Joel Stein’s remarkably sardonic musings for Tuesday.

Now, I know for a fact that both of these magazines can and have in the past been home delivered on a Monday.  Why, while at my previous address, I often received both Time and Newsweek, nestled snugly against each other, all signs of a rivalry put aside, in my mailbox on Mondays.

But here’s where the story takes a strange, and I fear, sinister twist.

You see, twice this year, we’ve had Monday holidays, with no standard home delivery.  Thinking this would allow the magazines to “bunch up” in your office, both times I eagerly anticipate the unique Tuesday dual arrival.

Both times, I received one magazine on Tuesday, and the other on Wednesday.

Based on what now appears to be overwhelming evidence, I am forced to conclude that the carrier on my route is most likely delaying delivery of one of the magazines, by one “postal day,” although for what purpose, I cannot say.

Should the carrier wish to subscribe to the magazines, I would be happy to provide him with a list of the relevant phone numbers.

Should the carrier wish to continue delaying by one day the arrival of a news magazine at my house, I would be happy if you would smack him upside the head, pimp style.

Thank you for your attention to this matter,

Colin Campbell
Studio City, CA

U.S. Postal Service:  http://www.usps.gov