Well, I was suckered in again.

NBC’s hype machine has called the Golden Globe awards “Hollywood’s most unpredictable night.”  (On the TV show I write for, I called it “About the third biggest night in Hollywood.”)  But it turns out, the Golden Globes aren’t “unpredictable” at all.

First, every telecast must have a large “Dick Clark” factor.  That means plenty of faked laughs, faked “you’re behind-the-scenes” moments, faked emotion, and, of course, fake Dick Clark hair.

Then, every year, the offspring of someone famous gets an award.  Some years, it’s Angelina Jolie.  This year, it’s Kate Hudson.

Of course, you can’t forget the rule that someone must be in the bathroom when they win.  Christine Lahti, meet Renee Zellwegger.

Then, there is the incoherent celebrity factor.  At least one, and sometimes two “Major Hollywood Legends” must appear on stage, and make complete and utter idiots of themselves.  Years past, this honor went to the likes of Shirley MacLaine and Warren Beatty.  This year, both Al Pacino and Elizabeth Taylor looked the fool.

A word about La Liz.  I know, for a fact, the woman has been to award shows before.  I know, for a fact, she’s even won awards.  So why on Earth was she so befuddled by this strange “envelope” technology, which caused her a huge amount of vexation?  I mean, for cripes sake, Dick Clark his own self had to scoot on to the stage, to make sure Liz didn’t read the winner before she read the nominees.  Liz:  they’re called “rehearsals,” and even barely-living legends need them.  (Maybe she just had taken one too many items from David Spade’s goody bag – he claimed his gift basket had 10 vicodin in it.)

Let’s us all join in a prayer that Steve Martin will bring sanity, class, and comedy as host of the Oscars.

Oh, and can you feel the excitement, the mania, the hype building?  Survivor 2 is almost here ... and I still don’t care.  FYI.

Link:

http://www.goldenglobes.org/